I Should Probably Explain

For all two of my listed followers (OMG lyke I'm so famous! If I ever speak like this, shoot me please), it may be noticed that I use pseudonyms for real people in my life.  This is for the obvious reason that I have no desire to become tangled up in legality issues for libel or whatever.  Anyway, here are three of the most recent characters taking part in my so-called "life story."

• Aunt C. - my godmother who has graciously allowed me to crash on her couch in DC until I move in to my new townhouse.  Yeah, sorry if anyone got the impression that I live here on my own.  I can barely afford a Metrocard, let alone a co-op payment in the Waterfront.  She's my role model, is wicked smart, and the best mentor I could ask for during this transition period.
• RePub - short for "Republican."  Everyone's got one or two of them in their group of friends, right?  He and I have known each for eight years now and we've finally gotten the chance to catch up and hang out as old friends.  No, nothing sexual has ever happened, nor will ever happen, between us.  He lives near Aunt C.'s co-op and we try to hang out on the weekends.  It's fun.
• PhD - trying to describe this man is a near impossibility.  To start, he will be starting his third year of his Ph.D program this fall.  He's getting his Ph.D in physics, which is seriously hot (it is no secret that I am a sucker for the nerdiest of the nerds).  We met at a mutual friend's wedding and have been talking for a while.  More on this situation to come.

There's really nothing new to report.  I lead such a cool life, right?

Sarcasm alert.

~M

Same Lame Facebook Survey That I Steal From the Bear Jew

I think my supervisor needs to understand that if she doesn't give me something to do, I will just sit at this computer and do random, piddly-ass things.

My current life in 64 questions:

1. What was the highlight of your day?
My day isn't quite over but it will probably be meeting with my new roommates at Starbucks.

2. Who's car were you in last?
Mine, Miss Molly CR-V

3. When is the next time you are going to kiss someone?
July 3rd.  Yay Ph.D!

4. What color shirt are you wearing-?
navy blue cami with a gray cardigan over top of it

5. How long is your hair?
medium-length, or so they say at hair salons.

6. Last movie you watched?
The Swedish version of The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest

7. Last thing you ate?
pasta for lunch

8. Last thing you drank?
coffee *shocker*

9. Where did you sleep last night?
on the sofa bed in my aunt's co-op

trust me, this isn't a super glamorous summer, but I am staying in DC for free because my aunt loves me a lot so it's semi-OK.

10. Are you happy right now?
I'm rather safe and figuring things out so I'd have to say that I'm content.

11. What did you say last?
"Hi, [insert coworker's name]"

12. Where is your phone?
on my desk, to my right, next to an empty coffee mug.

13. What was the last museum you went to?
National Gallery of Art...no wait, the Flag House and Star-Spangled Banner Museum, where the flag that inspired our national anthem was sewn.  Yeah, that flag that flew over Fort McHenry during the Battle of Baltimore in the War of 1812.  Fun fact: the house is smaller than the flag itself.

14. What color are your eyes?
this answer doesn't change.  They are blue.

15. Who came over last?
to the co-op? We didn't have any visitors.

16. Last time you had your heart broken?
long enough to no longer have a need to comment on the event.  I'm better because of it, so thank you to all the mistakes.

17. Who/what do you hate/dislike currently?
Kim Kardashian.  She is the devil.

18. What are you listening to?
the general sounds of computers and office labor

19. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
A real job, with insurance, tuition reimbursement, and paid time off.

Or a security clearance, whichever.

20. What is the best smell?
I can't decide between New Car, Gasoline, Bath and Body Works, or the Clean Man smell.  By the way, the Clean Man smell is that delicious scent of your lover right out of the shower.  It's perfection.

21. Who is always there when you need someone to talk to?
they know who they are

22. What were you doing at midnight last night?
passing the hell out...which sounds so lame now but it's the truth.

23. Are you left-handed?
still right-handed

24. What's for dinner tonight?
probably an overpriced latte

25. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
glass of Riesling while watching the Blue Angels be epic

26. When Is Your Birthday?
still 08.25.

27. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Repub

29. Where was the last place you went shopping?
Victoria's Secret.  Semi-annual sale: buying a $60 at 50% off. 

I don't think my breasts have ever looked this good.

30. How do you feel about your hair right now?
it's clean, it's brushed, it's blonde

31. Do you have any expensive jewelry?
yup: old birthday and Christmas presents, class ring, etc.

32. AIM or MSN?
Skype, Facebook Chat, Twitter. 

33. Where does most of your family live?
Texas

34. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
One little sister, who is turning 18 in August.  What the fuck?

35. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
Compared to a lot of people on the planet, absolutely.

36. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
Shit, it's 7 AM...how fast can I shower and put on makeup?

37. Do you drink beer?
this is a stupid question.  Of course I do

38. Myspace or Facebook?
Facebook.  Does anyone even use Myspace?

40. What is/was your favorite subject in school?
...I'm not sure how to respond to that, considering that for the rest of my life, I will be taking mostly English classes.

41. What type of boy/girl do you usually fall for?
If my past is anything to go by, an unmotivated jackass.  However, I think things have finally taken a turn for the better...I like guys in grad school, especially for science.

42. Do you have any hidden talents?
they're not hidden

43. Have you ever been in a wedding?
Yes

44. Do you have any children?
Disgusting

45. Did you take a nap today?
no

46. Ever met someone famous?
Frank Beamer, Charles Steger, Dr. Torgersen, Bryan Bratt...I think that's it so far.

47. Do you want to be famous one day?
noteworthy is the term I'd like to use

48. Are you multitasking right now?
If pretending to work counts, then sure

49. Could you handle being in the military?
probably not

50. What is your average cell phone bill?
reasonable

51. Do you believe in Karma?
hahahahahaha oh yes

52. Ever been to Las Vegas?
nope

53. What are you doing today?
"worked," Starbucks date soon, then Gordon Ramsay-watching, then perhaps a chat with PhD, then pass the hell out.

54. Have you ever been gambling?
yup, every year for the Derby

56. Have you been to New York City?
yes

57. Ever been to Disneyland/world?
yes and I have no intention of returning

58. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
I do

59. Last thing you cooked?
pasta

60. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
anything involving alcohol, text messages, and old boyfriends qualifies as something incredibly stupid.

61. Last time you were sick?
earlier in the month, I got my annual summer sinus infection.  This time, it struck during one of our first meetings as new interns, which fucking sucked.

62. Last person you kissed?
PhD
63. Random fact about you?
I have read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and I do not want a mainstream film adaptation made from it.  Look, it's basically porn, right?  Therefore, James Deen should play Grey and Stoya should play Anastasia.  And any thirteen-year-old Tumblr user who disagrees with me should not know who these people are and go play JV sports.

That might have been a rant.

64. Do you think anybody will repost this?
I highly doubt it.

A Supposed Hipster Doing Hipser Things

This past semester, I was accused of being a hipster, which I took rather offensively.  At first.  As I sat in the Pentagon City Mall Apple Store, waiting oh-so-patiently for my Genius to assist me (my Macbook, which was purchased in 2008, needed a new battery and software upgrade), I started to reflect on all of the reasons that could categorize me as a hipster.

Now, hipsters generally wear attire purchased from Urban Outfitters and American Apparel and I'm going to be completely honest: there is no way in hell I can afford to shop there.  My 38D cup bras need to be purchased at Kohls, Ross, Marshalls, and Victoria's Secret (the latter happens only during the semi-annual sale, which was going on today so yay me!  I have a new bra that I simply could not do without).  Hipsters are also, by definition, embraces counter culture, a term that arose from sociological thought during the 1960s, in which the youth of that era rejected the McCarthyism je nai sais quoi and gave today's Western culture certain gems like the sexual revolution, Malcom X, and the Stonewall riots.  However, today's hipsters are mere blends of fashion, eccentric literature, and, as a former classmate can attest to, "never setting foot into a fucking Walmart."

Because, you know, it's too mainstream.

Without further ado, the reasons that one could argue my being a hipster:

1. I use a Macbook laptop that was purchased in May 2008, in preparation for my freshman year.  Yeah, that's the laptop that I took to Pentagon City Mall today.  Perhaps, all those four years ago, I should have invested in a different computer that could run a Windows operating system but I like it a lot and plan on using it for at least three more years.
2. My iPod is a first edition 30 gigabyte iPod Video that was purchased in August 2007.  It still works, but barely.  See, my parents collection of vinyl records and cassettes have stood the test of time, whereas this piece of shit is holding on for dear life.  And of course there isn't nearly enough storage on it to hold all of my music, which may or may not be considered eccentric.
3. I have an unshakable caffeine addiction.  I still have a thing for Diet Dr. Pepper and drink it a lot.  Now, with a Kuerig machine and a virtually unlimited supply of K cups (where the coffee is stored), I practically am on an IV drip of coffee.  My teeth are going to be yellow soon if I don't get this under control.
4. I just graduated with a BA in English.  Specifically, with the creative writing option.  I carry around a small notebook and write down pretty much anything of interest because that's what Jack Kerouac used to do.  My diploma might as well read, "I majored in something of little use, unless being a pretentious twat is useful now."  I guess, in a way, it does; the fact that I am now getting an MA is further cementing this fact.
5. If I was ever caught eating at D2 at Virginia Tech, I was almost certainly eating the vegan food: cous cous, hummus and pita bread, and sweet potato fries.  While the other deep-fried options were delicious in their own right, there was something magical about this food.  It's incredibly delectable and boasts being good for you.  I cannot argue with that logic.
6. I, on occasion, will watch an indie film...and love it.  Oh come on!  Sometimes, even the best of us want to get on our Netflix Instant cue and watch something completely different.
7. I have dabbled in playwriting, which has been considered by many to be the highest form of creative writing.  And, as it turns out, I'm quite good at it.
8. I fucking love The Cellar.  There's this little bar in Blacksburg called The Cellar and it is truly a wonderful place.  Two dollar Luck-of-the-Draw, Hammer Time, and live music are among the attractions to this haven for other hipsters.
9. Drinking wine and microbrews is such a fantastic activity.  And not that Barefoot shit, either.  If I haven't had it but it has a similar flavor profile to something that I have tried and enjoyed, I'll give it a try.  Always have to try new things and all.
10. I still have never seen The Notebook.  I consider this an accomplishment.
11. I distress my own jeans.  This whole fashion phenomenon of purposefully buying denim jeans that already have holes and frays in them is beyond me.  It's so much more cost effective to buy a pair of $40 jeans and wear them for years, letting them get their own, special holes and frays.
12. Cult movies are pretty badass.  This requires zero explanation.
13. Apparently, playing the French horn is rather obscure.  Or so I've been told.  I'll never really be able to grasp the fact that initially, many bandsmen and -women are converted from a different brass instrument to the horn, not following my path of starting to play the instrument at age 10.
14. I have expressed a desire to shave my own head.  That's pretty counter culture.  It's important to note that this was expressed during a summer when I had rather long hair and I was more than irritated about a constant sweaty scalp.  It wasn't ever intended to "make a statement;" I was just fucking hot.
15. I no longer enjoy going to house parties, nor do I enjoy going to incredibly douchey bars.  Yeah, I went to house parties before, but who doesn't in their freshman year?  And I really cannot stand going to a bar where the music is so loud that you cannot hear your own thoughts. 
16. I enjoy reading weird, obscure books that you've probably never heard of. Unless you happen to be a student from another MA English program and have an even more eccentric literary taste than I do, I can guarantee that you wouldn't have heard some of the books on my bookshelf.  However, if you are interested in something I've got and the feeling is mutual, I'd love to bookswap!
17. I never purchased rain boots:

 or the mockery of actual riding boots that are:


Perhaps, after going over these small fact, it can be argued that I'm among the class known as the hipsters.  But, I would like to point out other little facts that counter these:

1. I absolutely love shopping at Walmart; Whole Foods pisses me the hell off.  When you're relatively low on funds and trying to feed and clothe yourself, you've got to go for the bargains.  Sure, Whole Foods might be healthier, but that organic avocado is $4.99.  Kiss my ass.
2. I also have been known to read mainstream works of fiction and trashy romance novels, most recently the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  And I thoroughly enjoying getting lost in genre fiction.
3. I cannot throw a frisbee.  Don't bother trying to teach me.  It's a skill that I have tried to grasp my entire life.
4. I don't ride my bike everywhere.  This is mostly because I cannot bike the distance between the co-op and the internship.
5. The smell of marijuana is nauseating to me.  This is not just a comment about the hipster lifestyle, OK?  Many different people indulge in this substance, which is completely fine.  I just think it smells horrendous.
6. I don't scoff at school spirit.  In fact, I embrace it thoroughly.
7. I love being a tourist from time to time.  Example: I am going to Baltimore to celebrate the Sailabration.  Look it up. 
8. Despite my eccentric taste in music, I'll still shamelessly shake my ass to music that everyone knows about.  Sometimes, it's fun to conform.
9. I'm not perpetually rail thin, nor can I actually afford to eat scones on a daily basis.
10. I watch football and act like a hooligan when I do it.  I've noticed that hipster girls tend to be insanely thin, yet eat tons of pastries.  I'm not thin by any stretch of the imagination (as PhD said, "You have the body of Christina Hendricks") but I try to watch my figure.  I can't do that if I follow their suit and cram croissants into my gullet.
11. I also watch actual TV, and enjoy it.  Everyone watches HIMYM, Say Yes to the Dress, The Big Bang Theory, and Family Guy, and I happily join in.
12. I keep my hair in a normal hairstyle.  I get my roots touched up but other than that, it stays blonde, medium-to-long in length, and groomed. 
13. I'm trying to be a professional, technical writer in the corporate world.  This cannot be accomplished if I gauge my ears and use my body to make statements against the governmental, corporate regime.
14. I find the government to be something amusing at times, frustrating at others, yet I don't wish to completely overthrow it.  Kind of like John Stewart, except that I can never even dream of being as brilliant as he is.
15. I read women's magazines without regret.  I dare you to take Cosmopolitan away from me.  Also, one of my tweets was in the June issue!
16.  I don't own a single plaid garment and the only flannel I own is in bedsheet form.  I've never understood the grunge movement, nor why anyone would want to bring it back to fashion.  My plaid, flannel sheets, though, make for the best sleeps that I've ever had. 
17. I don't own a single plant.  What is it with hipsters and plants?  It's a miracle that I've kept Raphael, my red beta fish, alive.  I'm more of a plant murderer.  I just forget to water them everyday.

You know what?  Why label?  Perhaps it's because we as humans must categorize everything around us.  Now, to watch The Phantom of the Opera and eat pasta.

~M

Transition to the Yuppie Lifestyle

Well, the inevitable happened.

Somehow or other, I actually graduated from college with an undergraduate degree.  Oh yeah, it's hanging up on my parents' wall in a brand-new diploma frame.  Not only that, but I also got a graduate school acceptance letter and I have decided to go after my master's degree.  I kind of slaved through my last year in order to get into graduate school and now that I'm in, I really don't give a damn about what happened in the last four years.  Most of it was inconsequential and, especially in those last few weeks, I was ready to get the hell out of there.  Don't get me wrong: I had a blast during my undergrad but, after awhile, it got tedious. 

Normally, I'd use this summer to escape reality and enjoy life for a bit before I actually head back into the schooling grind.  However, I was also accepted to intern in the DC area for the summer season so instead of sipping a Mai Tai by a pool, I now sit inside an office sipping coffee.  Actually, it's more like I chug coffee.  Seriously, I now drink a ridiculous amount of coffee and it's gotten unreasonable.

I'm not sure how I feel about being rapidly transplanted to this yuppie lifestyle.  For those who don't know, the term "yuppie" is short for "young urban professional" and was coined in the early 1980's.  Basically, anyone in a generic office job sitting in front of computer, scheduling meetings, and discussing something ambiguous called, "Accounts Receivable."  I have halfway joined their ranks, seeing as I'm just an intern and not special enough to be considered "full-time."

I have been equipped with a new computer that's supposed to be just for work but here's what's so funny about me and this internship: I'm so used to scrambling to get tasks done that I finish them quickly and, more often than not, flawlessly (I try not to brag but oh well).  My supervisor has to keep coming up with new things for me to do, or else I end up staying on Twitter and casually reaching for yet another swig of coffee.  That, or applying for more jobs, which is a completely different headache but perhaps part of the whole college alumni role. 

I have also been equipped with a new wardrobe.  Normally, I'm supposed to loathe the yuppie uniform of slacks, sweaters, and suits.  I have to confess that I adore it.  I love waking up in the morning and slipping on the perfect pair of panty hose (no runs, perfect color for my skin) and then donning on either a skirt or a pair of slacks and a flattering yet sophisticated top.  I am loving the fact that I get to wear high heels all the time.  Honestly, I just love feeling more put together and sexy in the morning than in the past, where my strategy of dressing would be to simply shower, throw on jeans and a tee shirt, and roll out. 

Commuting is a phenomenon that is new to me and I discovered, very quickly, that I am really going to have to find a job close to a subway station or a bus stop because I really hate driving.  I'll take a suspicious groping in a Metro if I don't have to sit in traffic ever again.  Yes, I'm very serious about this.

So yeah, that's kind of my life right now.  Nothing really terribly interesting...yet.

~M

Dust and Spiderwebs

Well, it's spring break. Apparently, every professor doesn't give a shit about that and loads us all up with projects but that's beside the point. When I hear the word "break," I think of sleeping in until noon, reading, and catching up on all the work that I have yet to accomplish. My parental units, however, hear it and scream, "THE SLAVE IS COMING HOME!!!!!!!" Not really, but I just completed the arduous task of cleaning out my walk-in closet. What was once a shrine a to a fabulous shoe and book collection is now going to play host to my mother's sewing shit. No, I'm none too pleased about it.

However, as I was digging around amongst the filth of age and the dust of neglect, I came across a red box. A shiny red box. That had hearts all over it. Oh shit, I immediately thought and tried to hide it from my mother.

Mother: "What's that?"

Me: "It's nothing."

Mother: "'To Michelle, Love Owen.' Oh my God, how old is that?"

Me: "It was from Valentine's Day, 2007. So five years old. Holy hell..."

I started rifling through it feverishly. The contents of the red box, which once held a small box of chocolates and Bath and Body Works's Exotic Coconut Body Spray and Lotion (the gentleman in question arrived on my doorstep late Valentine's Day evening with a bouquet of a dozen pink roses and this gift. I was wearing black sweatpants, a pink t-shirt, and wet hair, for I had just come home from swim practice), were now as follows: the card received that night (a kitten on the front with the text, "Wild...you are so fun to be with" and on the inside sang "Wild Thing" by Chip Taylor with the text "I can't keep my paws to myself. Happy Valentine's Day." He had written, in very small, engineer-esque scrawl, "I didn't think it was too suggestive. <3 Owen (Wild...sigh)"), movie ticket stubs of most of the movies we went to on dates (he was the projectionist at the movie theater down the road from me and got two tickets for free every weekend), his senior portrait, two of our prom pictures, and the Reasons He Loved Me, aka his 17th birthday present to me.

This is almost too gross to write. Yes, at one time, the romance and passion of The Princess Bride could move me to tears and this sort of sentimentality seemed beautiful to me. Now, I have to wonder what possessed me to keep this garbage. Curiosity compelled me to look at those reasons, though. Here they are:

[Note: the bold is the original text. What's not bolded is my sarcasm.]

This is what you asked for. Hope you enjoy. To be fair, this is what I said I wanted. I didn't demand it; in fact, I didn't actually think he'd go for it. We were retarded and decided to keep an LDR going while he started his freshman year at VT and I finished up my senior year of high school. I didn't want him to break the bank at all, and how many eighteen year old males are going to be this sentimental?

1. A girl is interested in me? Why do guys do this? Seriously, he was pretty handsome, like Viggo Mortensen. But, I was his second girlfriend and the first girl he ever French-kissed. So perhaps his self-esteem needed a bit of a boost. Who knows?
2. And she's hot? Well, I'm certainly not going to argue.
3. She's not opposed to watching non-chick flicks. Still true.
4. She likes the Beatles. Who the fuck doesn't like the Beatles?
5. She'll go to a metal show with me. Oh God...yeah ok so he decided to take me to see Mastodon live at the 930 Club. It was...an eye-opening experience.
6. The thing is, she doesn't like metal. It's grown on me very very slowly.
7. Oh yeah, she's not needy or whiny or clingy or a bitch. Doesn't every girl want to hear that?
8. She doesn't hate (all) my friends =) Actually, his best friend from high school, WestPointer, and I still chat.
9. She doesn't demand I spend money on her. I still am uncomfortable with men spending money on me.
10. She gives my stupid habits a chance. Um...trying to remember what his stupid habits were...and I don't think he would have listed "going to church all the time" as a "stupid habit."
11. She's not a control freak. Not about boys and their comings and goings, no. Just about the things I need to take care of and shit like that. I really and truly couldn't care less about the person who calls me their SF. They just have to understand that at any important function that requires me to have an escort, they are said escort.
12. She's open to new ideas (Planet Terror, Blind Guardian. Those are just a few.). Well, I watched the movie and I have the vast majority of the latter's discography. So, whatever, I'll take it.
13. She sat down and watched EVIL DEAD! I did, and didn't say a damn thing. He had this Army of Darkness shirt that irritated the hell out of me because the movie is straight-up dogshit. Men everywhere worship Bruce Campbell; it's probably because of that outrageous chin.
14. She's very atypical. I guess I still am?
15. When I had to go, she let me go. This could be taken two ways: either the sweet way or the gross way. The gross way is letting a guy drop a deuce in my place of dwelling, a cardinal sin to break in my book. The sweet way is what he intended: he had to leave for college and I understood and said "Goodbye."

love you

Owen

Well...back in the box and back in the closet with this crap.

~M

Save My Ladyparts

February is such a bullshit month. Seriously, it's the worst month of the year. Here is the story of how this February kicked off:

[If you have a low tolerance for medical jargon or surgical procedures, just forget about it.]

February 1st, 2012 - Lying in bed naked watching Jackass 3 on Netflix at 11 AM, minding my own business. Had a small handful of white cheddar popcorn for breakfast (I'm poor, I'm in college, bite me). Without warning, I experienced an extreme stabbing pain in my right lower abdomen. First thought: Perhaps I'm ovulating and experiencing mittelschmertz (German for "middle pain," the slight pain felt during ovulation). Second thought: This pain isn't going away. In fact, it's gotten way worse rapidly. Oh Christ, not a fan. This was the worst pain I'd ever experienced in my entire life, and I've been thrown from a horse into a fence and totaled a car. I quickly Google "appendicitis" and skim the symptoms. Some of them match the pain I am experiencing. I start screaming in my apartment and my roommate, FilmChick, knocks on my door. "M, are you OK?"

"NO I AM NOT OK I NEED TO GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW OWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!"

"OK, I can take you. Let me get my coat and I'll wait for you in the common area."

I pry myself from bed, barely able to stand up straight. I honestly have no idea how I managed to put on a bra but I know I just grabbed whatever clothes I could (as always, no sweatpants. Even in agony, I have dignity) and my shirt was dirty. Fuck it, M. Just walk outside and get your ass to the hospital. Walking hunched over, I climb into her truck and FilmChick graciously drives me to the ER.

We walk in, or rather she walks in and I waddle in hunched over clutching my belly, and I quickly sit down, while FilmChick goes to the window and grabs a clipboard. She writes my dictated medical history, which is seriously uneventful. Then, we wait...and wait...and wait. Keep in mind that because I am now around old people, I have stopped screaming and have resorted to pathetic puppy moaning and pleadingly looking to the receptionist. After an hour, FilmChick returns to the window: "Please, she's seriously in pain. She thinks it might be appendicitis." Fifteen minutes pass by and they call me. Sweet relief!

HelloKittyScrubs: "Miss M, we're going to check your vitals now."

Me: "You're joking, right?"

HKS: "Nope. Put on the cuff."

I couldn't believe it. I tell her all of my symptoms, beg for relief, and even tell her that I need to be seen immediately. "Look, I don't go to the doctor at all, nor do I have any chronic illnesses. When I'm in pain, I'm not fucking around. Please just give me something to distract me from this stabbing pain."

HKS: "I understand, Miss, but we don't have anymore beds back there. We are going to try and move someone quickly for you."

She then gives me a wheelchair, makes me move into it, then wheels me back out. FilmChick looks at her incredulously: "What the hell?"

Me: "They don't have any beds for me. I have to wait more. You can go back home, if you need to."

FilmChick: "Are you absolutely sure?"

I insisted and so she left. I texted a few people where I was, including Flyboy, and of course they were all busy. I sat alone in the waiting room for another half hour when I was finally wheeled into a room. MaleNurse comes in and begins to deliver more crap news: "We are going to need blood and urine samples."

Me: "Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I feel like I've been stabbed and you have to actually stab me with my least favorite thing on the planet?"

MaleNurse: "Well, I can give you an unsterilized needle."

Me: "Well-played. If I'm going to piss, I need some water."

He proceeds to draw my blood (I'm lying down in my uncomfortable hospital bed at this point, preventing my normal reaction of passing out), then leaves with the vials. "The cup is on the table. Go when you can. After that, strip down and put on the hospital gown." After fifteen minutes, I struggle to pry myself from the bed and waddle over to the little bathroom and give the lab people a sample.

By this time, a few friends were able to get to the hospital after I had told them what was up. I was finally wearing a super sexy powder blue flimsy thing with maroon moons and stars plastered all over it. They came to visit me but only after I heard the best news: "You're going to have a CAT scan so drink this barium."

I've heard that barium tastes like dogshit and was not excited. MaleNurse: "Oh no, it's OK. We mix it with Sprite and cranberry juice."

Me: (takes a sip) "Vodka-cran! Decent!"

The CAT scan was boring but the results were not. MaleNurse: "Well, you don't have appendicitis. However, it appears you've got a large cyst on your ovary. We've got the OB/GYN on call and she is scheduling you for an ultrasound."

Me: "Can I please have some morphine?"

MaleNurse: "Oh yes."

Thank Christ.

Morphine is a hell of a drug and as soon as it was pumped into my veins, the stabbing subsided to a low, dull ache. I started mumbling silly things about stupid shit, then I get wheeled into the ultrasound room. The technician asks me if I have any questions about transvaginal ultrasounds.

Me: "Yeah. Can you microwave that lube shit? I don't need it ice cold."

She sticks the wand in and turns on the machine. Immediately on the screen, there is a massive black object. Her eyes widen a bit.

Me: "Fuck, that's big."

It ended up being about ten centimeters in length. That's the size of a Blackberry. At about 9 PM, my mother shows up looking harried. Dr. Abrahms comes in my new room and tells me that I still can't eat anything and that I've been scheduled for emergency laprascopy the next morning. "Save my ladyparts," was my only reply to her.

They were able to save my ovary, thank God.

~M

TV Shows I'm Really Excited About

OK, so taking a break from my brain dissection, and mourning the end of the 2011-2012 college football season, I have decided to write about the TV shows I am stoked to return, from either hiatus status or their Christmas breaks.

1. Mad Men. Yes, this show has to be number one. It's got everything to make a delectable viewing pleasure: men in suits, drinking, smoking, infidelity, strong seductive women, and the glamour of 1960s Manhattan. Jon Hamm's character, Don Draper, will hopefully remain the commanding presence he is and also manage to get his ex-wife, Betty, in line. I'm not sure how I feel about him marrying Megan, his secretary, but we'll have to see if it doesn't end in flames. My money is on Draper sipping his bourbon, exuding virility, and wrapping more women around his finger. And really, who'd say no to him?
   
2. Spartacus: Vengence. Liam McIntyre has some very big, very sexy shoes to fill as he takes up the role of Spartacus. Andy Whitfield, God rest his soul, left us with a most delicious character and the audience was spoiled on his performance. I know I'm looking forward to more more muscular, bloody violence, political intrigue, and the uber complex relationship of Ilithia and Lucretia. And of course the more screentime a shirtless Spartacus has, the better.
   
3. Californication. Oh, Hank Moody, you delightfully damaged artist. After viewing the first episode of the new season, I'm left a tad confused but intrigued. Hank is now back in California after spending a year in New York and it looks like he's going to be staying there because his psycho ex, a woman named Carrie, just burned his apartment. Apparently, it wasn't OK with her to "give up the butt" and have Hank want to "keep things casual." My reply is that it's called the marriage hole for a reason but that's neither here nor there. Tensions remain high between Hank and Karen. It also looks like Becca has herself a new boyfriend, a young lad named Tyler played by the adorable Scott Michael Foster (Cappie from Greek). Charlie Runkle just crossed the threshold of fucking 100 women, so congratulations are in order, I guess. I'm shocked that his dick hasn't fallen off but still good for him. I can't wait to watch the impending drama unfold.
   
4. How I Met Your Mother. Ted needs to get himself a love interest pronto. It doesn't have to be the mother, although I'm fairly certain we'll find out who she is at the end of this season. Still, his story has become rather stagnant ever since the tension between Robin and Barney continues to crescendo. Initially, I was deeply upset that she and Barney aren't going to end up together but in all honesty they really are too damaged. Plus, Victoria did point out that Robin being in the group causes Ted to not find a woman because he's supposedly still holding on to her. I'm not sure if I believe that's the truth but it's an interesting observation. I do know that Barney being single makes for a better show because I'm going to be honest: him with Nora was just so boring. Also, I really hope Barney and Ted's bar, Puzzles, really kicks off. Why the hell is it called Puzzles?
   
5. The Big Bang Theory. Leonard's single now, which is great because who actually liked Pria? I really want Penny to come back into focus, though. She was a vital force in the development of Leonard and now she's kind of fallen by the wayside. Perhaps something will change during Howard's and Bernadette's nuptials. And Raj is veering very close to the land of hopeless. They've signed on for two more seasons but I don't think I can wait that long for his character to pick up a narrative arc. He had a small one when Leonard and Pria were together but ever since she cheated on Leonard in India, Raj is no longer an active character. And Sheldon still remains my favorite character and he can continue being a smartass all he wants.
   
6. Archer. Love me some obnoxious Sterling Archer. I anticipate many more terrible comebacks from him. Carol/Cheryl needs to go back to being crazy as fuck and being choked and Pam is just amazing. And of course Lana Kane has to be animated TV's sexiest character. I'm fairly certain every guy I know has entertained a foul thought or two about her. I think I'm most looking forward to Mallory being her grotesquely old, awkward self because that's just classic her.

I wouldn't consider any of these guilty pleasures. Not at all. The writers on all of these shows are simply brilliant and my hat is off to them.

XOXO
~M