Lists I have made at work

When you are the self-checkout attendant at a respected grocery store like myself, you tend to do things in your boredom at 10 PM that don't disturb the 5 customers buying beer. I created a book of lists and, much like this video (I love Jenna Marbles, btw),

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKIAbueB9sM&feature=related

I decided to write a short, incomplete list of the people that I would not say no to having an hour, or eight, of pleasantries with them. Pleasantries means...sex

ANYWAY, here we go.

• That guy from White Collar, aka Matt Bomer
• Andy Whitfield
• Danny Coale
• James and Oliver Phelps at the same time
• Sean Patrick Flanery
• Matt Damon
• The delicious piece of chocolate that is The Old Spice Guy, even though I not-so-secretly think black guy's junk looks fake (it's SO SHINY)
• Sean Biggerstaff (ironic name)
• Pierce Brosnan
  
• Silas from Weeds. Uncle Andy if he got me incredibly incapacitated with his romanticism
• Josh Groban only after he sang to me in French, because French is the language of sex. Italian is tied for second place with Spanish
• Deryck Whibley from Sum 41. Need I say more?
• Hugh Jackman
• Hugh Dancy
• James Marsden
• Katy Perry. Russel Brand can watch and only hop in after 30 minutes.
  
• Stephen Colbert
• Neil Patrick Harris, regardless of him being gay with a married partner and a daddy. He's fucking awesome.
• ANY of the US Navy Blue Angels
• Nigel Barker
• Gordon Ramsay, only after he made a beef wellington for me and screamed in that delightful Scottish accent at a bunch of ignorant bitches
• Ryan Lochte, whom I have met and have a signed photo of him. Be jealous
  
• Raphael Nadal
• Jonathan Rhys Meyers
• Henry Cavill
• Daniel Craig
• Eric Bana
• Kellan Lutz, only after I've tied him up and he promises to not say a goddamn word about Twilight
• Channing Tatum
• Christian Bale
• Tom Wisdom, the young guy in 300
• Jesse Spencer

Like I said, a short list. Everyone has lists like these. You know it's so true. Here's another fun one: these are some of the things I go bat-shit crazy for, again in no particular order:

• Baby seals
• Reality TV marathons, particularly Hell's Kitchen and ANTM
• Private Selection Italian Cafe TIra Misu Ice Cream
• Hokie football
• That first sunburn that totally turns into a tan
• New textbooks
• Kissing
• Jewelry
• Boys making dinner
• Bull and Bones Cheese Fries
• Champagne
• A really long, awesome, slightly sweaty bout of sex. The kind where after several orgasms, you high-five each other and say "SHOWER!!!"
• Husky and Labrador puppies
• Skinny dipping
• Writing checks with fancy pens
• Scaring freshmen by existing and knowing what's up
• New sundresses
• Getting complimented in said sundresses
• Steak, calamari, lobster rolls, crab legs, swordfish, chardonnay, etc.
• Lord of the Rings
• ANYTHING by Kate Spade
• Trashy, smutty romance novels
• Tasty drinks with rum
• Sam Adams Summer Ale
• Glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars
• New pens on fresh new paper
• The roar of an engine, especially from a Corvette or a motorcycle
• That feeling right after you've shaved your legs, aka dolphin skin
  

Being a cashier is a shit job. We have to make it this entertaining.

XOXO
~M

General What-the-Fuckery

Just started the second week of classes and I've got to say that I am ready to leave here, via graduation and hopefully have either a Big Girl Job or a spot in an MFA program elsewhere in the country. Now don't get me wrong: I love my school and I love my major and I really love my professors this semester (Ed Falco and Nikki Giovanni. Yeah, they're kind of a big deal. Be jealous). With that being said, here's what I am more than excited to leave on May 12, 2012:

1. Parking Services. How many undergraduates are on this campus? Over 26,000. More than 60% of those live off campus and are going to more than likely commute to their classes. Some of the bus routes don't go to all of the apartment complexes available to students so they have to drive. Why the fuck are there excess Faculty/Staff spots? More importantly, why is a professor parking in a Commuter/Graduate spot? And I honestly feel that if you are a graduate student, you get the same privileges as the GTA's. I know several students here bitch about this problem and, to be honest, the behemoth parking garage (of which the first level is still F/S) is NOT helpful at all.
2. Bad cell service in buildings. It's the tail end of 2011. AT&T shouldn't be having this lack of service issue anymore.
3. Professors who assign things, you work your ass off on them, and they don't accept it. I know that there is an intrinsic value on every piece of work that you do in class but after spending two hours on a thorough write-up of Shadow of a Doubt, one would expect at least a high five.
   
4. Newcomers not knowing how to read maps. It's really simple and there's no need to get lost. Pirates rarely had maps but they seemed to have no trouble raping, pillaging, and scaring the living shit out of everyone.

In other news, I finally turned the Big 21. That's terribly exciting and I'm so grateful to everyone who came and made it special. The day after the bar crawl was rather unpleasant but it was absolutely worth it.

Additionally, in my time as a blossoming writer, I have never been tasked with writing a sex letter to someone in California. Yes, there is a story: whilst recovering from what was the Hangover from Purgatory after my birthday festivities (Hangover from Hell is a tie between Fall Rush Party 2009 and Christmas Party 2010), Flyboy's roommate grabbed his laptop and told me, "I need help writing a sex letter to my sex pen pal in CA."

I perked up from the covers. "Excuse me?"

"Yes," said Roommate.

"What do you mean, sex pen pal? Do you actually exchange snail mail?"

"Fuck no, email."

"How did this even happen?"

"This girl and I went to high school together and she'd had a crush on me. She caught up with me on Facebook and we started talking...and then we started drunk texting...which, inevitably, turned into sexting. So now we write letters to each other describing what we basically want to do to each other, if we could. Normally, I do these alone but I thought we could all work together. Fun for the whole family!"

"What does she even look like? I'd assume y'all have exchanged dirty pics?"

Click click click click click. "Here's her face!" Short-ish brown hair, pale, nerd glasses, lip piercing, looks petite but trying way too hard to be edgy. "And here's her tittays!" My eyes were assaulted with the black-and-white image of a petite torso with what I guessed counts as a very nice rack. Large, full, a bit prone to gravity, perky nips. No nip piercing like me but who's counting. I ascertained all of this in .5 seconds, then quickly looked away, in case he decided he wanted me to write the proportions of her labia.

I honestly had to wonder if I'd just gotten sexually harassed and, if so, by whom.

Now, I've been in some very odd situations but playing what is, essentially, Erotic Mad Libs ranks very high on my list. Before I knew it, I found myself asking if she liked in more sensual or more kinky, "because I go either way. Whatever tickles my fancy at the time."

It was in that moment I decided I shouldn't say a damn word except "WATER" whilst hungover.

XOXO
~M