Clearing Out Old Skeletons

When one spends a vast majority of their time glued to their computer, and when that is combined with the German trait of never getting rid of stuff, one accumulates a lot of "useless crap." Case in point: what I stumbled upon earlier this afternoon.

I was busy looking for an old email address when I located a different email from the bowels of my hard drive: an ancient, or rather year-old, AIM conversation from a certain male person-type-thing. OK, an ex. The exact reason the conversation had been saved was because it had gone on for six hours into the night and neither of us were sure it had really happened (I know, vomit). Anyway, I read it for old times' sake before deleting it from my computer and there were a few things that stood out to me.

The first thing I noticed was how simple it was to speak to him, or really just to speak. Conversation was simple, smooth, and uncomplicated. Words came naturally to me, and it seemed as though I was not afraid whatsoever in what I had to say. I didn't guard myself, nor did I care what he, and subsequently anyone, thought. At one point, he wrote, "You got spirit. I like it." What follows is a rather poetic, somewhat shameful exchange of flirtations. Back and forth, back and forth, like a duel or an elaborate dance. It's a goldmine for anyone needing inspiration to write a trashy romance novel. Nothing was forced, which was what made the whole thing so spellbinding.

It's interesting how time works: spirit, drive, fire all die down eventually, making the individual that was once fiery now lackluster. I guess to some degree that happened to me and perhaps I should go back and reacquaint myself with that old me. Perhaps that girl was on to something. Actually, no she definitely was.

Second thing: circumstance seemed to have a massive role in us even being together at all. It's a touchy subject but in a nutshell, I left someone else for him. The conflict that existed was something ripped out of any of those cheap Avon Romance novels, yet when one lives it, it's crazy enticing and awesome, even with a tragic ending. But, as Dr. Seuss said, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

And you know, after all the snide comments, the fighting/bickering/truly awful things I may have said and done in the aftermath of previous relationship, and much as I might hate to admit it, I didn't waste my time with him. It happened. Not sure if it happened for a higher reason other than we were super-dooper-mega-ridiculous attracted to each other, but it happened. I'm OK with it. Really, I am. You can't change the past, just try to make the future a little less entropic.

Third: hopeless romantic me. Yet again, I find myself making the realization that I don't hate it when a girl receives flowers from a guy; I'm simply jealous of the fact that they're not mine. Petty, yes, but it's a trait of mine. I say it's gross as a defense mechanism. I know I should be happy for them, and I am, but of course cognitive dissonance takes over and all I can think is, "Oh God, why not me?" It's just sad, really.

Also, I'd like to point out that when I'm in a relationship and the guy gets sick, a bit of a maternal instinct comes out. I make soup for him, tuck him in, and if he wants to, I'll sit and watch his favorite movie with him. Some girlfriend points, haha. But I digress. Where were we?

Fourth: I said that the effort of seduction is fun. Wow. How poignant of me. It certainly is, when one does it right and one is patient. Again, I have to reacquaint myself with that person I once was because I don't remember how to be patient or content with the way things are now, and God knows I need to be.

Fifth: this is actually something he said that I find to be a little gem that I guess we can all stick in our little jewelry boxes of life. "I like girls who look at a relationship as an incredibly strong friendship with intimacy, not something totally different with different rules." I mean, who the hell doesn't want that? I am pretty sure that would be the clearest definition of love. It's just so goddamn difficult to locate it. And when one does locate it, and screws it up, the damage can be irreversible, as seen on countless occasions.

So now, after reading this and picking it apart, as I am wont to do, I realized that there is something to be said about the past. A year ago, I was quite pleased with myself. While I can't erase the fact that I've become rather jaded, I can certainly learn to trust in hope for the future. I can sure as hell learn to be patient and content with who I am as a singular being. Besides, I realize that I'm insanely picky and am going to have to be happy alone; apparently, my expectations are just way too high.

And again, much as I hate to do this, I have to thank him for the things he taught me.

~M