A Change of Pace

I had mentioned earlier this month that I am going to hold back on my own personal experimentation. Let me explain: I have recently realized that by defying the double standard and being on the more sexually explicit side, I have done myself a grave disservice. My closest male friends have distanced themselves from me and I have lost all respect from them. That breaks my heart and so, in order to repair this disastrous mess, I have taken it upon myself to correct my behavior.

I will not be nearly as promiscuous as I have been, nor will every party have an ultimate goal that is on the shameful/sinful side. There are other, more important things to talk about aside from sex, like Chaucer or Wilde or Ovid, even though not everyone is interested in them. My jealous, bitchy side won't come out in public, and if it does, it'll be all Southern belle-style, with hilarious back-handed compliments.

With that being said, I am well aware of how titanic this undertaking will be. Combine that with my desire to be patient and wait for the Next Big Thing and I may yet go mad. And then add the fear that this won't be met with reward and it becomes questionable as to whether or not all of this is worth it. What if I spend the next year correcting these mistakes and I find myself still at Stage One: former male best friends still gone and still trapped in a place where I'm ridiculed by my past? Nevermind the very likely chance that I'll still be single, this is really terrifying.

I suppose all things worth doing are challenging and more often than not met with nothing tangible. Isn't that part of growing up? Being mature and responsible for the sake of it and not expecting something at the end. Dammit, though, it'd be a small comfort to know that this will get me what I want, which is not a boyfriend, but respect. That's it. Just respect.

Anyway, I know that this is short and these posts are probably going to stay short for a while because I'll have nothing to report on in my life at least but I'm off.

XOXO,
~M