Further Relationship Commentary

Cosmopolitan proves to be, time and time again, a goldmine of information concerning how to have the best relationship ever. I have decided to comment on their article, "The 13 Best Relationship Tips Ever." I have provided the article in full and everything in bold and in brackets from here on out is my commentary.

1. Act Out of Character
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time.
—Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia

["Doesn't follow through on some chore." How about not being his mother and telling him to do chores? If he has chosen to live in a not-so-spotless habitat, deal with it. You're dating him, aren't you? And if you can't handle the degree of filth in his kitchen or his bathroom, clean it yourself. Then show him what spray bottles are, explain the difference between Windex and Pledge, wait it out another month and if he doesn't do it again, consider hiring a Mexican maid.]

2. Get in Touch a Lot
No doubt you hug and kiss each other hello and maybe snuggle a little after having sex. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV, taking his hand when you're walking down the street, or fondling his thigh during dinner are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level.
—Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of Emotional Fitness for Couples

[If anyone were to try and hold my hand while I was driving, we might die. Perhaps that's because I drive stick shift but still. I mean, I guess this is reasonable but in certain circumstances, I do not want to be anywhere near anyone.]

3. Don't Be BFFs
Being pals with your man is great in theory. But that kind of connection actually can kill your sex life. You could wind up having a roommatelike bond with each other rather than a hot one if you let yourself lose track of the masculine-feminine tension that excited you at the beginning of your relationship. Save the gab sessions for when you hang out with your girlfriends and your sexy energy for connecting with your guy.
—Lana Holstein, MD, director of sexuality and vitality programs for couples at Miraval Resort in Catalina, Arizona

[I agree wholeheartedly. Minimal discussion. Almost zero talking. Good plan.]

4. Enjoy a Steady Diet of Sex
If you want to maintain closeness with your man, get out of your head and into bed. Guys feel more comfortable connecting with women on a physical level, not engaging in deep discussions. To strengthen your bond, approach your lust life as you would your gym regimen or your diet — make it part of your routine. Set a goal to have sex at least a couple times a week.
—Toni Coleman

[Make sex part of your routine. OK, I do yoga every day, so I should have sex every day when I'm in a relationship. People have to set goals to bang? Really? I was always under the impression that if the physical chemistry is initially there, clothes-ripping was something that was desired on a nearly constant basis. The moment someone has to pencil in sex is the moment where the sexuality has killed itself. Don't plan on it. Just do it *swoosh*]

5. Take Turns Talking
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement — and get your points across — alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks.
—Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Opening Love's Door

[Unless of course either party has that relentlessly annoying habit of not saying anything. Then this shit doesn't work at all. Walking out and not speaking for days on end works better.]

6. Find the Intersection
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun...how about Miami?
—Paul Dobransky, MD, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love

[If any guy is sipping a drink with an umbrella in the glass, he's my new gay best friend. Yes, that's stereotypical but any man knows that he is going to be hard core judged with that comical nonsense going on in the glass.]

7. Be More Positive Than Negative
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time."
—Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD

[Or leave when he's late? Don't wait around; life's way too damn short.]

8. Echo Each Other
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood.
—Yvonne Thomas

[Perhaps it's because I have really good comprehension but I feel if I am parroted, I'd get way more annoyed than I originally was. "Serious relationship talks" scare me just as much as they scare men. The only serious talk anyone should have starts with, "I'm late."]

9. Grow Your Tolerance
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room.
—Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection

[If he's shy around your friends or acquaintances, be a good person and introduce. Duh.]

10. Take a Time-Out
It's important that you get a break from the daily grind and spend alone time as a couple — cell phones and the Internet are off-limits. It can be a fun day trip or just a few quiet hours to yourselves. The point is simply to steal away (even if you're going nowhere) so you can reconnect, free of any distractions.
—Diana Kirschner

[You have the nights, why do you need the days? There was a time where I wanted to spend so much time with my boyfriend that I practically lost my personal identity. Now, I've gotten to the point where more than two hours is enough. Am I scared? Yes, and I'm adult enough to admit to that fact. It's so important to be solitaire, even in a relationship.]

11. Have His Back
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side...and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what.
—New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD

[Disagreements add discourse to the relationship. Plain and simple.]

12. Spend a Little Money on Each Other
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun-and meaningful — when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get — and think about — each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color.
—Barton Goldsmith

[A guy doesn't even have to go this far. If he procures a Diet Coke for me, I'm perfectly content. He carried around an emasculating drink for me? So sweet.]

13. Be a Good Date
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook — if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box — dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat.
—Jennifer Oikle

[This requires doing research on both ends. Showing surprise and being unpredictable is always fun.]

OK, it's just me now. No more Cosmo. Most of this is common sense, so why they waste their time and ink is beyond me. And sometimes, they have this annoying habit of telling women to act bubbly, cheerful, and content in their relationships, like we're still stuck in the 50's. Has it ever occurred to them that if you don't like something, you can walk away? Not for every problem, because then the human race would die out. But once the problems accumulate to a point where it's simply intolerable, whether it's trust issues, lack of passion and motivation, not being clean, or whatever, you can just walk away from it and do better things.

Which probably explains why I'm single: I have crazy high expectations. Oh well, I'm happy with them.

~M