TV Shows I'm Really Excited About

OK, so taking a break from my brain dissection, and mourning the end of the 2011-2012 college football season, I have decided to write about the TV shows I am stoked to return, from either hiatus status or their Christmas breaks.

1. Mad Men. Yes, this show has to be number one. It's got everything to make a delectable viewing pleasure: men in suits, drinking, smoking, infidelity, strong seductive women, and the glamour of 1960s Manhattan. Jon Hamm's character, Don Draper, will hopefully remain the commanding presence he is and also manage to get his ex-wife, Betty, in line. I'm not sure how I feel about him marrying Megan, his secretary, but we'll have to see if it doesn't end in flames. My money is on Draper sipping his bourbon, exuding virility, and wrapping more women around his finger. And really, who'd say no to him?
   
2. Spartacus: Vengence. Liam McIntyre has some very big, very sexy shoes to fill as he takes up the role of Spartacus. Andy Whitfield, God rest his soul, left us with a most delicious character and the audience was spoiled on his performance. I know I'm looking forward to more more muscular, bloody violence, political intrigue, and the uber complex relationship of Ilithia and Lucretia. And of course the more screentime a shirtless Spartacus has, the better.
   
3. Californication. Oh, Hank Moody, you delightfully damaged artist. After viewing the first episode of the new season, I'm left a tad confused but intrigued. Hank is now back in California after spending a year in New York and it looks like he's going to be staying there because his psycho ex, a woman named Carrie, just burned his apartment. Apparently, it wasn't OK with her to "give up the butt" and have Hank want to "keep things casual." My reply is that it's called the marriage hole for a reason but that's neither here nor there. Tensions remain high between Hank and Karen. It also looks like Becca has herself a new boyfriend, a young lad named Tyler played by the adorable Scott Michael Foster (Cappie from Greek). Charlie Runkle just crossed the threshold of fucking 100 women, so congratulations are in order, I guess. I'm shocked that his dick hasn't fallen off but still good for him. I can't wait to watch the impending drama unfold.
   
4. How I Met Your Mother. Ted needs to get himself a love interest pronto. It doesn't have to be the mother, although I'm fairly certain we'll find out who she is at the end of this season. Still, his story has become rather stagnant ever since the tension between Robin and Barney continues to crescendo. Initially, I was deeply upset that she and Barney aren't going to end up together but in all honesty they really are too damaged. Plus, Victoria did point out that Robin being in the group causes Ted to not find a woman because he's supposedly still holding on to her. I'm not sure if I believe that's the truth but it's an interesting observation. I do know that Barney being single makes for a better show because I'm going to be honest: him with Nora was just so boring. Also, I really hope Barney and Ted's bar, Puzzles, really kicks off. Why the hell is it called Puzzles?
   
5. The Big Bang Theory. Leonard's single now, which is great because who actually liked Pria? I really want Penny to come back into focus, though. She was a vital force in the development of Leonard and now she's kind of fallen by the wayside. Perhaps something will change during Howard's and Bernadette's nuptials. And Raj is veering very close to the land of hopeless. They've signed on for two more seasons but I don't think I can wait that long for his character to pick up a narrative arc. He had a small one when Leonard and Pria were together but ever since she cheated on Leonard in India, Raj is no longer an active character. And Sheldon still remains my favorite character and he can continue being a smartass all he wants.
   
6. Archer. Love me some obnoxious Sterling Archer. I anticipate many more terrible comebacks from him. Carol/Cheryl needs to go back to being crazy as fuck and being choked and Pam is just amazing. And of course Lana Kane has to be animated TV's sexiest character. I'm fairly certain every guy I know has entertained a foul thought or two about her. I think I'm most looking forward to Mallory being her grotesquely old, awkward self because that's just classic her.

I wouldn't consider any of these guilty pleasures. Not at all. The writers on all of these shows are simply brilliant and my hat is off to them.

XOXO
~M

Operation Self-Help, Book Four

Title: Eccentric Glamour
Author: Simon Doonan
Copyright 2008
Simon and Schuster, New York, NT
Dedication: "This book is dedicated to all of the crazy broads and blokes who have flung themselves off the ramparts of eccentric glamour, [either] metaphorically or literally..."
Target Audience: just all around fabulous people
Author's Credentials: honestly, if you don't know who Simon Doonan is, you might want to give up
Verdict: Read it for a giggle and empowerment

“Knowing who you really are and dressing the part -- with an air of amused recklessness -- is life affirming for you and life enhancing for other people.”

I picked this up in my Bridget Jones frenzy for two reasons. The first is that Doonan is an amazing fellow and I love pretty much anything he has ever said and probably will ever say. The second is that the cover is pretty fabulous. True story.

Doonan offers women the chance to join the ranks of Vivienne Westwood, Mae West, Lucy Liu, Iman, and the like by blossoming into a glamourous eccentric. This involves breaking fashion norms and wearing your unique look with abrasive confidence. Being a fashion leader involves making some extreme choices. There are three broad categories: Gypsy, Socialite, and Existentialist. Pick one and stick with it.

Then of course there are two kinds of men that tolerate eccentrically glamourous women: regular guys or "big screaming poofters." Deciding to be an eccentric is forcibly grabbing a spotlight and forever making it shine on your fabulous self and no one else. Your man cannot and will not outshine you, for you're the superstar. Constantly be in the pursuit of fun with him, to the point of delightful wackiness.

Also, try wearing peacock feathers in your hair outside, even if it's to check the mail. People might stare and point, but any press is good press. I know that I have never worn those horrid rain boots that every single female seems to posses, and I don't plan on it. Why? Rain is much more enjoyable when I wear my tall, black leather boots and clear plastic umbrella.

To be eccentric is to have fun with yourself and with life. Take the words from Andy Warhol: "If you can convince yourself that you look fabulous, you can save yourself the trouble of primping." Thanks, Andy!

Living in a state of perpetual wallflowering and following the trends is wholly disheartening. It's much more fun to be enigmatically timeless. Life really is too short to waste on wondering whether how you appear is acceptable. Make it acceptable for yourself. I don't think I've ever had more fun than when I wore stark white jeans in December. Rules were made to be broken, so revel in being ballsy.

XOXO
~M

Operation Self-Help, Book Three

Title: Actually, It IS Your Parents' Fault
Author: Philip Van Munching and Bernie Katz, Ph.D
Copyright 2007
St. Martin's Press, New York, NT
Dedication: "For Olivia Katz and Elizabeth Auran"
Target Audience: those who wish to examine themselves, figure out why their relationships fail, and utilize couples therapy techniques in order to fix them
Author's Credentials: extremely successful writer; professor of psychology
Verdict: Smart read. Go for it

This book is like a to-go therapist, if I can be honest. Hell, it was co-written by a therapist so yay!

The first point the authors make is that in couples therapy, the people are not the patients; the relationship is. The thesis is that if we carefully examine ourselves and recognize some of our personality ticks, we are making an effort to examine our unconscious mind. Our unconscious picks our mates, not our conscious. I'll admit it: I was supremely skeptical. What crazy childhood experience could have happened to me that would prompt me to go for those who I easily judge?

Turns out a lot. I won't delve into them here but by examining my brain in an objective attempt, I recognized the pattern. Breaking away from it, though, is bound to be tougher. Because I was judged harshly growing up, I not only fear harsh judgment, but I also tend to project it on others. That's neat!

Then, the authors coined the term "Rel-Con" or "relationship condition." Borrowed from the military's Def-Con, this gauges the amount of tension in the present relationship. Is everything perfect? How often do you two fight? How often do the fights repeat? Are they shrieking matches or are they cute little spats about nothing (i.e. Star Wars vs. The Lord of the Rings. The winner is the first one to pull up the fight from Clerks 2)? Anyway, the following are the steps to sort of combat the conflicts:

Four Things To Do To Reduce Your Rel-Con

1. Take a time-out
2. Be your own play-by-play announcer
3. Keep a neutron rod handy
4. Acknowledgize

This, of course, depends on how much you really love each other, or something. That concept of picking your battles also might come in handy, as well as knowing your limits. Example: I don't put with a smoking man. Not because of the whole health thing but because I'm not going to perform cunnilingus on an ashtray and that's exactly what kissing a guy who just finished a Marlboro Light is like.

Anyway, to save money, it's better to utilize objective self-diagnosis. Sort of like what Joan says in the pilot episode of "Mad Men:" "Stand naked in front of a mirror with a bag over your head and evaluate your assets and be honest." Do the same thing to your relationship, and to your inner self. Know thyself. Know the other. Know the process.

Finally, everyone on the planet says that their relationships lack solid communication. Maybe it's because we're selfish pricks who don't want to change or evolve for anyone. But, in case you do ever happen to be deeply disappointed in your other and decide to start an argument, do this:

Rules For Communication:

1. Listen up
2. Validate, don't negate
3. Keep your cool
4. Mind the gap

Also, don't start this discussion on any game day, before a big test for either party, before a big holiday, or after a tragedy. How much of an asshole are you if you start a fight after their dog died?

The bottom line for a relationship is this: "It'll work; give it time." With anything in life, if you put in the work, you'll reap the reward. Mutual commitment in making any relationship work is necessary, as well as careful diagnosis of the problem and an inordinate amount of patience. I guess I should probably have more patience and learn to be more accepting of imperfections.

Well, this was helpful in learning to deal with problems once you're in a relationship. Helpful, but at the moment unnecessary.

XOXO
~M

Operation Self-Help, Book Two

Title: Become Your Own Matchmaker
Author: Patti Stanger
Copyright 2009
Atria Books, New York, NY
Dedication: "I dedicate this book to single women everywhere. If you take one thing away from my book, know this: if you want him he's out there."
Target Audience: successful, single women everywhere...or the US, whichever. Oh, and you have to be marriage-minded
Author's Credentials: third-generation matchmaker, founder and president of the Millionaire's Club, star and co-executive producer of The Millionaire Matchmaker
Verdict: Insightful at times, platitudinous at many

Now, I have recently watched two episodes of her show and I have to tell you that, at least on the small screen, she doesn't cater to every woman. Rather, she introduces these men with money in Los Angeles to women who are teensy, beautiful, and with just enough brains to sustain a decent conversation. Their common trait is that they are all objects of traditional feminine roles who want to raise a family. Her male clients are heavy-hitters and constantly demand perfection, even though she repeats that there's no such thing as perfection. That's the show; I'm here to discuss her book.

This book took me about a day to read, including the list-making exercises. Broken into eight chapters, Stanger offers eight steps (see what she did there? Clever) to finding that perfect man, provided you have marriage on the brain. Perhaps as a 21-year-old, this is a book that I shouldn't have read but I grabbed it and I committed to it; funny how easily I commit to books. She claims that in the span of one year, you should be able to attract a man, date a man, become monogamous with him, and negotiate a ring. That may be easy for glitzy people but some of us are going to take a little time. So yes, she's got a certain bias towards wealthy, older women and not college seniors.

However, the first half of the workshop proved to be rather insightful. Following a nasty breakup/relationship trauma/epiphany, Stanger says that you are to take thirty to ninety days for a Dating Detox. Basically, this is the time to focus completely on yourself in all facets of life. Eat, watch, do exactly what you'd like to do. Let go of the past and say, "Fuck it, I start with me." I can't change the simple fact that Flyboy, or Cap'n Ahab as I've now been calling him, has chosen a whale to fuck; I can change how I feel about it. Instead of wondering just what the fuck I did to deserve the heartache, I selfishly relish in the fact that there's going to be someone miles above him. It's like How I Met Your Mother: the love of my life is coming my way as fast as possible. Force yourself to be happy: every day, write down ten things that make you supremely happy and constantly go back to them. Or read The Book of Awesome and Stuff White People Like. Exercise, eat well, smile a lot, and just radiate in yourself. Analyze the best and worst traits of the guys in your past, recognize that they taught you at least something, and just focus on their positive attributes. Chances are, a pattern formed in your past.

Next, recognize your flaws and strengths, both on the inside and outside. Apparently, a really good strategy is to take your best straight guy friend out shopping for clothes that will make you guy-sexy. I have yet to try this but I know that I've done the reverse to guys and it's fun. Anyway, sexy is as sexy does.

Once you've become the femme fatale, go out to meet the men. Once you meet them, don't play games. Actually, that's something I've never understood about either sex: why do we insist on mind-fucking each other? We never tell each other flat-out what's wrong, ever. I have tried to be forthright with guys but for some reason, they worry that they'll "hurt my feelings." I pray that direct discussion will develop in the near future. But I digress.

The rest of the book discusses what to do in a new relationship. Don't move in, don't pay for anything until monogamy has been agreed upon, don't fuck until monogamy either, calmly negotiate a ring, and above all know what you want and stick by it. All things that you've heard before, I know.

Like I said, the first half was helpful, even though it was once again common sense. I especially liked the bit about where to find future husbands (I'll be avoiding the cigar bars and singles' vacations for sure). If I were to go to any of those locations, I'd seriously have to fight the urge to narrate my progress in a British accent, like on a nature show about jaguars or something.

Also, according to the cover photo, if a woman wore a white business suit with no blouse, she'll be sexy. But maybe that's just because her tits are about to pop out and hit people in the face.

XOXO
~M

Operation Self-Help Book One

Title: Girl, Get Your Mind Right!
Author: Tionna Tee Smalls
Copyright 2011
HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY
Dedication: "For every woman who has had enough."
Target Audience: see dedication but it reads as though it's for women who have stuck around with some serious cockstains
Author's Credentials: relationship advice columnist, radio talk show host, relationship expert on "What Chilli Wants"
Verdict: Don't bother

I read this little 169-page volume in two hours. Yes, it's that quick of a read. Why? Because it's full of the stuff your mother told you long ago. "Don't try to be anyone else." "Be polite." "Men are easy to read." The subtitle boasts, "The tell-it-like-it-is advice your love life has been missing." Aside from the quick-and-easy study, I had some problems with the text.

First, any woman of substance will not publish a book and use crass slang terms for the female anatomy, or vagina if you really need to be informed. Cooch, cootie-cat, snatch, pussy, etc. are all terms that the boys use when describing lady bits. Smalls is very free with her use of crass slang and while it may seem funny or lighthearted, overtime it becomes disrespectful. Tell me, was I supposed to take this "relationship bible" seriously?

Second, "thang" "ish," etc. are not real words. Leave those to the blogs and radio, ok? The printed word should be a bit more respected, so please don't make me grab for the red pen and fix every mistake.

Third, this is a direct quote from this volume: "Cheating is not when your man goes to the bar after an exhausting day at work, gets drunk, and has sex with the woman on the next stool." I don't care if it's the 21st century and I'm supposed to be more progressive. Cheating is cheating is cheating. I've come to the consensus, supported by previous boyfriends' opinions on the matter, that cheating is making out with or more with another person. The one exception is during a dare and that's only if the girl is dared or persuaded to make out with another girl for the amusement of the rest of the party; yay double standards. How warped is Smalls? According to her, that's a slip and the guy should be forgiven. You know what people would do to women if they strayed? They were stoned to death. To forgive a slip would be giving a man permission to "slip up" again. I probably should have just stopped reading the book altogether but I have this annoying habit of completely committing to books and I must finish them.

Fourth, Smalls has what she calls, "The Holiday Cut Check." She explains that if a man doesn't invite you to family gatherings, you're just a piece of ass to him. Now, one should note that she doesn't give an adequate time frame for this, a detail that is rather necessary. However, I know I'd be mortified if a boyfriend were to invite me to spend Thanksgiving and/or Christmas with his family unless he's forked over some ice (that's a diamond ring, in case there was confusion). Holidays and family are to be kept separate from a romantic relationship; the only time a boyfriend should attend a family gathering is a less formal occasion, such as a birthday or graduation.

Fifth, Smalls claims that women routinely give money to their man. How fucking stupid is this target audience? I don't care how well-off a woman is, you never pay for anything until you are married to the man. Sorry about it not sorry. If I had a man come up to me and ask to fork over cash (bare in mind that less than ten dollars is OK for a quick dinner at 7-11; more than that and um no), I'd be driven to deck him with my hefty Kate Spade bag. It's insanely rude, presumptuous, and just makes a man look like shit. Giving a man a few gifts, however, is perfectly acceptable.

All in all, a Band-Aid for the close-to-illiterate woman who has been through some shit. Basically, if you want a good man, according to Smalls, do this:

1. Listen to the guy, especially if he flat out tells you that he's a player.
2. Take your time and don't hop into bed with him immediately. In fact, don't fuck him until he's told you that he wants to be monogamous.
3. Never snoop through his cell phone/email. Why would anyone do this? I about murdered Flyboy for using my laptop once. It's my shit, it's his shit, and everyone's happier when you mind your shit.
4. Be firm and don't fall for his crap.
   
5. If you want to be treated as an easy woman, he'll treat you as such.
6. Stay sexy and confident in yourself, no matter the circumstances.
7. Leave the baggage at the door. This means allowing yourself time to heal and move on from the sins committed against you.
   

See? All common sense and everything you've heard before. Hopefully, the next one isn't as terrible.

XOXO
~M

Personal Project, or Operation Self-Help

OK, so in light of my most recent breakup, I have decided to embark on a personal journey of self-reflection and fixing. Quick summary of the turbulent relationships of 2011:

In January, I met a guy in the Army who'd served fifteen months in Afghanistan and suffered PTSD. Sexy, tall, amazing in bed, dog-owner, the works. The PTSD should have been a clue but he was seriously sexy so I started dating him, driven once again by the loins and not the gray matter. After a splendid V-Day, his shit came out and he was physically abusive. Yes, I was hit in the face and shoved into a wall by this guy. It has made me stronger, though. Oh, and it ended quickly. We don't speak at all and it was a very easy break-up. I did go through about two weeks wondering "What the hell did I do to deserve that abuse?"

In May, I met Flyboy, an advanced technician at Dish network and a part-time waiter at Macados. Super romantic, very tall and nerdy (my kryptonite), cute smile, big kissable lips, not horrible (though nowhere near excellent) in bed, mostly good things. Here's the thing: he's 26 years old and he flunked out of college. He told me right from the beginning that he wanted to go back to school and/or get a pilot's license; he "just needed to get his life in order." Now, unless you're a physics + aerospace engineering double-major or pursuing some equally difficult academic program, college is easy. Yes, I said it: it's EASY. Everyone faces a setback here and there but to completely flunk out takes skill, or lack thereof. In August, he was fired from Dish and began working full-time at Macados, which was a decision that was not met with admiration. I distinctly remember telling him, "What am I going to tell my parents when they meet you?" In hindsight, I should have ended it right there but instead, I dragged it out thinking it would get better. He decided that I wasn't worth his precious time of drinking until 5 AM every night with his Macafucktard friends and dumped me on Halloween. In costume. Yeah, it's really awesome walking home crying as Indiana Jones's Slutty TA. Then, two days after he broke up with me, he's already dating some fat bitch, or whale, if you will.

Instead of resorting to my slutty days of early 2010-2011 and embarking on a string of one-night-stands, I have taken a sort of celibacy vow. I can't be the one to constantly make the first move anymore. I demand to be courted, and I will not be having any sex until I am in a stable, monogamous, real relationship, and that is only after a reasonable courtship period. It's really fucking weird having that thought process but I know I need to do this.

I also know that I have developed a pattern since I dumped my freshman year boyfriend in the fall of 2009. I say I want a guy who's well-adjusted, successful, ambitious, and a strong man. I fall for, to be perfectly honest, jackasses (sorry bout it not sorry), and end up having quick five-month long flings that indicate nothing except extremely poor life choices. It got me thinking that I need some help in getting back in the "right direction," so to speak. The common denominator in my failed relationships is me. Yes, world: I am ready to have a long term relationship. I do want to get married someday, and married for life, not married until it gets a bit rocky. I will not put up with little boy problems any longer. I need a man, goddammit.

Now, I have returned home from VT for winter break and as usual, one of the first things I do is head to the library and pick up an exhaustive amount of reading material that I finish right before I go back to school (I read really fast). This time, I focused on two things: job hunting and getting my novel ready to go. As I browsed the nonfiction shelves, looking for answers to my impending problems of unemployment and lack of publication, I was hit once again with one of my biggest problems with myself. See, it seems that almost everyone in my sorority is either in a serious relationship or engaged. Cognitive dissonance is a seriously powerful sensation because while I'm extremely happy for them in their happiness, I'm also supremely jealous and constantly look at myself in the mirror asking, "Just what the fuck is so wrong with me? I'm blond with big tits (or so I've been told), clean skin, small waist, pretty smile, sharp wit, educated, and I hate chick flicks. How am I still single?"

And yes, being single has its blessings, and many of them. Some of my favorites are:

1. Waking up at noon to my own snoring and no one else's
   
2. Not being ashamed of shitting in my own home (yes, I have sent boyfriends out of the apartment whilst I use the facilities)
   
3. Having a weekend to myself to catch up on my trashy reality TV shows, read Cosmopolitan or Vogue, or husband shopping in Upper Quad (that's when you go to the area where the Corps boys are, dressed really sexy and pretend they're staring at you)
   
4. Not having to share a damn thing: blankets, pillows, space, time, French fries, beer, wine, cheese, etc.
   
5. Never having to apologize for being with your friends, no matter how secretive/bitchy/weird/sexual tension inducing (Flyboy was supremely jealous of S)
   
6. Having the chance to study without constantly being texted/IMed. Honestly, what part of "I AM STUDYING FOR THE GRE RIGHT NOW LEAVE ME THE CHRIST ALONE" do men not understand?
   

However, it's just that time. And OK, part of this desire to be in a true, long-term relationship with an upstanding man is fueled by the fact that Flyboy, a revirginized, when I met him at least, waiter (I never promised to be nonjudgmental about that), is already getting his dick wet on a routine basis whereas I am dangerously close to not having sex for three months. That may not be healthy but at least I recognize it, which is apparently a start.

But I digress.

Browsing the shelves, I stumbled across the array of self-help books, targeted for sad, desperate women like myself. Yes, the covers profess that "this is targeted for smart, beautiful, successful women who are done dealing with bullshit!" Let's just be honest: we're the ones who have a time limit, the boys do not. However, standing in front of those glossy covers, promising me that if I read the words, absorb the knowledge, and do exactly what this "expert" says, I can and will find the man of my dreams AND have a successful relationship with him that will result in a happy, stable, lifelong marriage. In a frenzy a la Bridget Jones, I grabbed practically every book and have since embarked on an experiment. Operation Self-Help is underway.

In true English-major form, I have been analyzing these texts for rhetoric, target audience, and bias on the part of the author. Christ, even in my down time, I do research. Anyway, here goes nothing!

XOXO
~M