Operation Self-Help Book One

Title: Girl, Get Your Mind Right!
Author: Tionna Tee Smalls
Copyright 2011
HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY
Dedication: "For every woman who has had enough."
Target Audience: see dedication but it reads as though it's for women who have stuck around with some serious cockstains
Author's Credentials: relationship advice columnist, radio talk show host, relationship expert on "What Chilli Wants"
Verdict: Don't bother

I read this little 169-page volume in two hours. Yes, it's that quick of a read. Why? Because it's full of the stuff your mother told you long ago. "Don't try to be anyone else." "Be polite." "Men are easy to read." The subtitle boasts, "The tell-it-like-it-is advice your love life has been missing." Aside from the quick-and-easy study, I had some problems with the text.

First, any woman of substance will not publish a book and use crass slang terms for the female anatomy, or vagina if you really need to be informed. Cooch, cootie-cat, snatch, pussy, etc. are all terms that the boys use when describing lady bits. Smalls is very free with her use of crass slang and while it may seem funny or lighthearted, overtime it becomes disrespectful. Tell me, was I supposed to take this "relationship bible" seriously?

Second, "thang" "ish," etc. are not real words. Leave those to the blogs and radio, ok? The printed word should be a bit more respected, so please don't make me grab for the red pen and fix every mistake.

Third, this is a direct quote from this volume: "Cheating is not when your man goes to the bar after an exhausting day at work, gets drunk, and has sex with the woman on the next stool." I don't care if it's the 21st century and I'm supposed to be more progressive. Cheating is cheating is cheating. I've come to the consensus, supported by previous boyfriends' opinions on the matter, that cheating is making out with or more with another person. The one exception is during a dare and that's only if the girl is dared or persuaded to make out with another girl for the amusement of the rest of the party; yay double standards. How warped is Smalls? According to her, that's a slip and the guy should be forgiven. You know what people would do to women if they strayed? They were stoned to death. To forgive a slip would be giving a man permission to "slip up" again. I probably should have just stopped reading the book altogether but I have this annoying habit of completely committing to books and I must finish them.

Fourth, Smalls has what she calls, "The Holiday Cut Check." She explains that if a man doesn't invite you to family gatherings, you're just a piece of ass to him. Now, one should note that she doesn't give an adequate time frame for this, a detail that is rather necessary. However, I know I'd be mortified if a boyfriend were to invite me to spend Thanksgiving and/or Christmas with his family unless he's forked over some ice (that's a diamond ring, in case there was confusion). Holidays and family are to be kept separate from a romantic relationship; the only time a boyfriend should attend a family gathering is a less formal occasion, such as a birthday or graduation.

Fifth, Smalls claims that women routinely give money to their man. How fucking stupid is this target audience? I don't care how well-off a woman is, you never pay for anything until you are married to the man. Sorry about it not sorry. If I had a man come up to me and ask to fork over cash (bare in mind that less than ten dollars is OK for a quick dinner at 7-11; more than that and um no), I'd be driven to deck him with my hefty Kate Spade bag. It's insanely rude, presumptuous, and just makes a man look like shit. Giving a man a few gifts, however, is perfectly acceptable.

All in all, a Band-Aid for the close-to-illiterate woman who has been through some shit. Basically, if you want a good man, according to Smalls, do this:

1. Listen to the guy, especially if he flat out tells you that he's a player.
2. Take your time and don't hop into bed with him immediately. In fact, don't fuck him until he's told you that he wants to be monogamous.
3. Never snoop through his cell phone/email. Why would anyone do this? I about murdered Flyboy for using my laptop once. It's my shit, it's his shit, and everyone's happier when you mind your shit.
4. Be firm and don't fall for his crap.
   
5. If you want to be treated as an easy woman, he'll treat you as such.
6. Stay sexy and confident in yourself, no matter the circumstances.
7. Leave the baggage at the door. This means allowing yourself time to heal and move on from the sins committed against you.
   

See? All common sense and everything you've heard before. Hopefully, the next one isn't as terrible.

XOXO
~M