Operation Self-Help, Book Three

Title: Actually, It IS Your Parents' Fault
Author: Philip Van Munching and Bernie Katz, Ph.D
Copyright 2007
St. Martin's Press, New York, NT
Dedication: "For Olivia Katz and Elizabeth Auran"
Target Audience: those who wish to examine themselves, figure out why their relationships fail, and utilize couples therapy techniques in order to fix them
Author's Credentials: extremely successful writer; professor of psychology
Verdict: Smart read. Go for it

This book is like a to-go therapist, if I can be honest. Hell, it was co-written by a therapist so yay!

The first point the authors make is that in couples therapy, the people are not the patients; the relationship is. The thesis is that if we carefully examine ourselves and recognize some of our personality ticks, we are making an effort to examine our unconscious mind. Our unconscious picks our mates, not our conscious. I'll admit it: I was supremely skeptical. What crazy childhood experience could have happened to me that would prompt me to go for those who I easily judge?

Turns out a lot. I won't delve into them here but by examining my brain in an objective attempt, I recognized the pattern. Breaking away from it, though, is bound to be tougher. Because I was judged harshly growing up, I not only fear harsh judgment, but I also tend to project it on others. That's neat!

Then, the authors coined the term "Rel-Con" or "relationship condition." Borrowed from the military's Def-Con, this gauges the amount of tension in the present relationship. Is everything perfect? How often do you two fight? How often do the fights repeat? Are they shrieking matches or are they cute little spats about nothing (i.e. Star Wars vs. The Lord of the Rings. The winner is the first one to pull up the fight from Clerks 2)? Anyway, the following are the steps to sort of combat the conflicts:

Four Things To Do To Reduce Your Rel-Con

1. Take a time-out
2. Be your own play-by-play announcer
3. Keep a neutron rod handy
4. Acknowledgize

This, of course, depends on how much you really love each other, or something. That concept of picking your battles also might come in handy, as well as knowing your limits. Example: I don't put with a smoking man. Not because of the whole health thing but because I'm not going to perform cunnilingus on an ashtray and that's exactly what kissing a guy who just finished a Marlboro Light is like.

Anyway, to save money, it's better to utilize objective self-diagnosis. Sort of like what Joan says in the pilot episode of "Mad Men:" "Stand naked in front of a mirror with a bag over your head and evaluate your assets and be honest." Do the same thing to your relationship, and to your inner self. Know thyself. Know the other. Know the process.

Finally, everyone on the planet says that their relationships lack solid communication. Maybe it's because we're selfish pricks who don't want to change or evolve for anyone. But, in case you do ever happen to be deeply disappointed in your other and decide to start an argument, do this:

Rules For Communication:

1. Listen up
2. Validate, don't negate
3. Keep your cool
4. Mind the gap

Also, don't start this discussion on any game day, before a big test for either party, before a big holiday, or after a tragedy. How much of an asshole are you if you start a fight after their dog died?

The bottom line for a relationship is this: "It'll work; give it time." With anything in life, if you put in the work, you'll reap the reward. Mutual commitment in making any relationship work is necessary, as well as careful diagnosis of the problem and an inordinate amount of patience. I guess I should probably have more patience and learn to be more accepting of imperfections.

Well, this was helpful in learning to deal with problems once you're in a relationship. Helpful, but at the moment unnecessary.

XOXO
~M