So recently I've been chatting with this guy I met and he seemed to be really nice. Gentleman qualities, mostly. But things took a turn to the worst when he started asking me really personal questions. Like, will you ever cheat on me? How many kids do you want? Do you want to get married in the near future (yeah, near. As in next year)? How many people have you slept with? Can I count on you to wipe my ass when I fuck up?
That last one was fake but still. You get the idea.
Where in the world do people think they can ask these things before they actually do anything? We're not friends, we're just getting to know each other and it's like he wants a complete background check. Seriously, a sense of decency and decorum is, at least I thought it was, a requirement. What the hell happened to romance and manners? Hell, I have expected him to ask my weight at that point. But really, it's absolutely ridiculous.
He hasn't made any impact on me except to annoy the ever-living shit out of me so I haven't even thought of a good pseudonym for him, except Mr. Clingy so I'm going with that. All I know is that he bombards me with texts and IMs, asking me where I am or why I haven't talked to him in this exact hour. Last I checked, women were supposed to be the clingy ones, not men. Why is this guy asking me all these things right off the bat? What right does he have? None. Take a girl out for Taco Bell at the very least before asking her dating history. I mean, really.
And who wants to know that history anyway? Why ask? Let's be honest: we all compare our current lovers to our past ones. They all had good and bad qualities: how long you stayed with them is a testament to see which bad qualities you can put up with the longest. And if you yourself compare Mr./Mrs. Right Now to Mr./Mrs. Back Then, chances are they're doing the same thing. You just have to hope that if you stick around with Right Now long enough, they'll eventually forget Back Then. If not forget, then at least hope their memory is dulled a bit.
Honestly, the only history you need ever to know is: have you ever been convicted of a felony? Or if they have the herpes, AIDS, etc. That's it. You don't need to know that Girl in Freshman Year was the best kisser ever. You don't need to know that she learned that particular trick from an ex rather than a magazine like she told you. What matters is the present. They're with you now. Enjoy it while it lasts before something inevitably screws it up.
Anyway, since this post I have ceased speaking with Mr. Clingy. Yes, it's great that he wants a girlfriend. That's fine. Just don't expect her to reveal everything right at the very beginning. Or ever. Some secrets are meant to stay that way. Couples who share everything...well more power to them. Seriously wish they'd reveal that little secret because the concept of over-sharing will always baffle me.
~M
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A friend reminded me about The Super Six. These are the six rules I have when it comes to my own dating experience.
1. I will never drop the L bomb first, even when I'm sure I'm in love.
2. I will never date a man shorter than me when I'm wearing flats. I just can't be attracted to that.
3. If he treats his mother/sisters like shit, don't even bother.
4. I don't tolerate bullshit on his end. I try to not dish it, I won't receive it. When you say you'll call in three days, you better call because chances are I'm on to someone else.
5. I'm awesome and worth your best. So bring your best. The moment I put more into a relationship than I receive, it is over.
6. If you Dutch Oven me, you're investing in an engagement ring. Tomorrow.
I'll start backwards. Number 6. Um, under no circumstances is this acceptable. Like really. I've never heard of someone actually enjoying this. Dutch oven, not engagement. I've heard that's a great thing. The jury's still out but hey. Anyway, yes if you are comfortable enough to have that thought pop into your brain, I worry. It's just never a good idea.
Numbers 4 and 5 pretty much go hand in hand. I'd like to consider myself to be a chill person who is happy to lounge around and do nothing. However, there are certain things that require punctuality and cooperation. And yes, I get easily frustrated if those needs aren't met. I'm only human and I understand that there are times of conflict. I'm just saying that if it's a constant battle for a guy's attention, I just can't handle it. Guys, think about it: the video games aren't going to blow you, but a girlfriend more than likely will. We have separate times, things to do and enjoy, and that's wonderful. If you invite me over, I just sort of expect to not be staring over your shoulder listening to the oh-so-wonderful sounds of BioShock 2. At least offer to let me play.
Number 3 is a lesson that all women I believe should follow. If he treats the women that have been there the longest like utter crap, run away. Chances are he'll eventually do the same to you. Most guys love and respect their mothers and try to protect their sisters. It's genetic to do so. So it's against nature for them to do otherwise.
Number 2 is shallow but I won't apologize for that. I just happen to want a tall guy so that I won't feel like a behemoth when I wear heels next to him. I know it's the 21st century and we're supposed to be this new progressive society and look past our physical features. There's something so wonderful about looking up and gazing into a man's eyes. It's so girly and silly of me to say that but it's the truth.
Number 1. I have broken that rule once. Now I know what it must be like for a guy to just say it. It's such a huge risk and frankly, I can go back to being a coward. It's not something I want to do again.
~M
1. I will never drop the L bomb first, even when I'm sure I'm in love.
2. I will never date a man shorter than me when I'm wearing flats. I just can't be attracted to that.
3. If he treats his mother/sisters like shit, don't even bother.
4. I don't tolerate bullshit on his end. I try to not dish it, I won't receive it. When you say you'll call in three days, you better call because chances are I'm on to someone else.
5. I'm awesome and worth your best. So bring your best. The moment I put more into a relationship than I receive, it is over.
6. If you Dutch Oven me, you're investing in an engagement ring. Tomorrow.
I'll start backwards. Number 6. Um, under no circumstances is this acceptable. Like really. I've never heard of someone actually enjoying this. Dutch oven, not engagement. I've heard that's a great thing. The jury's still out but hey. Anyway, yes if you are comfortable enough to have that thought pop into your brain, I worry. It's just never a good idea.
Numbers 4 and 5 pretty much go hand in hand. I'd like to consider myself to be a chill person who is happy to lounge around and do nothing. However, there are certain things that require punctuality and cooperation. And yes, I get easily frustrated if those needs aren't met. I'm only human and I understand that there are times of conflict. I'm just saying that if it's a constant battle for a guy's attention, I just can't handle it. Guys, think about it: the video games aren't going to blow you, but a girlfriend more than likely will. We have separate times, things to do and enjoy, and that's wonderful. If you invite me over, I just sort of expect to not be staring over your shoulder listening to the oh-so-wonderful sounds of BioShock 2. At least offer to let me play.
Number 3 is a lesson that all women I believe should follow. If he treats the women that have been there the longest like utter crap, run away. Chances are he'll eventually do the same to you. Most guys love and respect their mothers and try to protect their sisters. It's genetic to do so. So it's against nature for them to do otherwise.
Number 2 is shallow but I won't apologize for that. I just happen to want a tall guy so that I won't feel like a behemoth when I wear heels next to him. I know it's the 21st century and we're supposed to be this new progressive society and look past our physical features. There's something so wonderful about looking up and gazing into a man's eyes. It's so girly and silly of me to say that but it's the truth.
Number 1. I have broken that rule once. Now I know what it must be like for a guy to just say it. It's such a huge risk and frankly, I can go back to being a coward. It's not something I want to do again.
~M
Good Lovin'
Alright, there is a phenomenon that simply has got to stop. It's one that I used to be guilty of, so there's no need to call me out on my hypocrisy. Anyway, the idea occurred to me as I was flipping through the August Cosmo. There is an article in there titled: "The Five Smartest Tips We've Heard This Year". They recommend for established couples to try what they call "dirty flirting." Apparently, the writers recommend for couples well past the honeymoon stage of their relationship to continue to broadcast their love to the world. It's supposed to be this great ego boost and it "makes people jealous of your chemistry."
OK. As a somewhat shameful yet avid reader of Cosmo, I have to say I was incensed with this wording, and really the whole concept. If you're in a relationship and you want to show off how in love you and your partner are, fine. I'll try and swallow your rather disgusting PDA and get on with my life. If you're going to show it off with the ulterior motive to make singles like myself jealous, just stop.
Yeah, it works a little. I don't have a seemingly fantastic relationship, and while not actively seeking one, I'll admit it'd be nice to have that again. You don't need to remind me, though. Here's what is acceptable: holding hands, arm around at a social event (not in class, unless you're in the very back and really want to get the hell out of their so you can go fuck. Oh I'm sorry, make love), and a hello/goodbye peck. That is it. If the two of you are at a party, let go of each other and be social with your friends. I mean, damn.
THAT'S another thing: you're at a social gathering together as a couple. As this isn't a date, you are free to roam about the room and talk to your friends that you probably haven't seen in a while because you've been attached to each other for quite some time. Take advantage of that freedom! Chances are, you're going home together. Plus, we as your friends miss you. That's the rough part of at least the honeymoon stage of a relationship: it rocks for just you two. The rest of the world doesn't get to see you for at least two months. Couple hibernation is a bitch. Oxycotin is flooding the brain with emotions associated with attachment. That's fine and it's a good feeling. But then again, it is during this couple hibernation when he starts to not hide his farts and she forgoes shaving her legs. I think about those little details and smile. There is such a thing as being too comfortable with each other.
And I know Valentine's Day, birthdays, Christmas, and *erlack* anniversaries are important, at least to the girl, in a relationship. There's no way I can ask for that to stop. It won't and I'm not going to fight it. So fine, I'll be happy for you when your man buys you that perfume that secretly makes you smell like a Miley Cyrus wannabe or when she did this amazing new trick while blowing you the other night. But really, let's just keep that information sparse.
And yes, I was a grave sinner in this regard. I'll be very upfront about it: I would make any single woman gag in how cutesy and lovable I'd be in public. God, it was awful. If I were to watch my life in my past relationships now, I'd vomit more that I did after last year's rush party. It was bad and horrendous and even now makes my skin crawl at the memories. And should I get back into a serious relationship, I'll spare the world the sick, lovey-dovey shit.
Honestly, it's great that people are so in love with each other that they can't help but share at least that one glance or hand squeeze. It's a private, deeply intimate moment that, if caught, I actually go "Awwww" on the inside. But for the sanity of the rest of us, don't make it prime time news. Please. It's really really not that hard.
~M
OK. As a somewhat shameful yet avid reader of Cosmo, I have to say I was incensed with this wording, and really the whole concept. If you're in a relationship and you want to show off how in love you and your partner are, fine. I'll try and swallow your rather disgusting PDA and get on with my life. If you're going to show it off with the ulterior motive to make singles like myself jealous, just stop.
Yeah, it works a little. I don't have a seemingly fantastic relationship, and while not actively seeking one, I'll admit it'd be nice to have that again. You don't need to remind me, though. Here's what is acceptable: holding hands, arm around at a social event (not in class, unless you're in the very back and really want to get the hell out of their so you can go fuck. Oh I'm sorry, make love), and a hello/goodbye peck. That is it. If the two of you are at a party, let go of each other and be social with your friends. I mean, damn.
THAT'S another thing: you're at a social gathering together as a couple. As this isn't a date, you are free to roam about the room and talk to your friends that you probably haven't seen in a while because you've been attached to each other for quite some time. Take advantage of that freedom! Chances are, you're going home together. Plus, we as your friends miss you. That's the rough part of at least the honeymoon stage of a relationship: it rocks for just you two. The rest of the world doesn't get to see you for at least two months. Couple hibernation is a bitch. Oxycotin is flooding the brain with emotions associated with attachment. That's fine and it's a good feeling. But then again, it is during this couple hibernation when he starts to not hide his farts and she forgoes shaving her legs. I think about those little details and smile. There is such a thing as being too comfortable with each other.
And I know Valentine's Day, birthdays, Christmas, and *erlack* anniversaries are important, at least to the girl, in a relationship. There's no way I can ask for that to stop. It won't and I'm not going to fight it. So fine, I'll be happy for you when your man buys you that perfume that secretly makes you smell like a Miley Cyrus wannabe or when she did this amazing new trick while blowing you the other night. But really, let's just keep that information sparse.
And yes, I was a grave sinner in this regard. I'll be very upfront about it: I would make any single woman gag in how cutesy and lovable I'd be in public. God, it was awful. If I were to watch my life in my past relationships now, I'd vomit more that I did after last year's rush party. It was bad and horrendous and even now makes my skin crawl at the memories. And should I get back into a serious relationship, I'll spare the world the sick, lovey-dovey shit.
Honestly, it's great that people are so in love with each other that they can't help but share at least that one glance or hand squeeze. It's a private, deeply intimate moment that, if caught, I actually go "Awwww" on the inside. But for the sanity of the rest of us, don't make it prime time news. Please. It's really really not that hard.
~M
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Various Rules of Three
For a few days now, I have been pondering the Rules of Three. We've all heard of them:
1. The American Pie 2 Rule of Three
2. The Three Days to Call Rule
3. The Three Dates to Fuck Rule
Are any of these well-warranted? Do they work or is it all a societal sham?
We can already exclude the first rule because that's just absolutely ridiculous. Why lie about how many partners one has had? Be honest about it and save everyone time and stress. And really, if a girl says she's slept with only three guys, she probably has not slept with 9. In fact, the most recent estimate is that the average male will have 9 partners in his lifetime and the average female will have 6 in her lifetime. And if you suspect any discrepancy, the person is probably not someone you should be fucking on a regular basis. Unless of course you are paying them but in that instance you were asking for it.
But what about Rule 2? Gentlemen, why are you waiting three days to call? Seriously, why? Do you really think women are sitting around pining for that pivotal call from you? It doesn't happen, especially now when the exchange of numbers is through a text message. See? Ah-HA there is contact! But that doesn't count; I get it. S had explained it to me in this fashion: by waiting three days, you are positioning yourself to have the upper hand. You don't want to seem too clingy if it was a girl you were actually interested in, and if it wasn't a girl you were interested in you can easily discard the number, making her hopefully spiral out of control until she contacts you, in which case you still have won. I have a rebuttal: what if Girl Who Holds Interest meets a guy within those three days she was expecting your call? You've probably lost. Where does that leave the guy? Of course, it's very simple to seal the deal these days so it doesn't even matter how many phone numbers one accumulates. I'm just saying that perhaps we should discard this rule, make it a guideline that no one follows, and say if you like the girl, just effing tell her. Seriously, life is way too damn short.
Finally, Rule 3. Three dates and then sex is in the future? What the hell happened to six-month long courtships? Birth control, I know my history. But still, three dates. Is it supposed to be in conjunction with the "bases"? On the first date, do you tongue each other, second fondle breasts, third participate in below-waist-activity so that by date 4, it's a home run?
And what exactly are we constituting as a date? When I was younger, dinner and a movie was a pretty standard date. Boring, yes, but tried and true. Hanging out with friends when you are still just friends isn't a date, at least in my book. Fun, certainly, especially if the parties involved can sense sexual tension between the two people in question.
Here's how I think this should go: instead of playing strictly with numbers, let's make this a game of relativity. Guys, say the girl in question is someone you know is a hopeless romantic. A picnic on a pretty spring day would bank a lot higher than, say, paintballing for seven hours (this is an example; I myself would much rather run about in a mask getting shot at. The adrenaline rush is way too intense to pass up). It's easy, rather safe, and shows you are willing to probably put up with her bullshit (hey, I'm being honest). Additionally, it's super-romantic, which will win bigger points. With that in mind, she'll probably give it up sooner. A tailor-made date that indicates you've been paying attention to something other than her boobs will get you to get her to bed faster.
And if you're a guy who likes the conventions because they are safe, good for you. You're at least passing, which is commendable. It might take you longer than three tries to get there, but persistence is key. And if, God forbid, you're a guy who thinks going to a sports bar to watch baseball with your friends and dragging her with you is a good first date, you're sadly mistaken. That's something to do after you've made her scream with your tongue because after that, she'll probably do anything to have that again.
To any who wish to criticize: these are first date ideas only that I have shot down. First impressions do matter, ok? Set your standards relatively high from the beginning and give yourself room to fall and grow. Picnics are pretty cheap, as are coffee houses, most hookah bars, etc. Hell, I personally would be much more flattered by going on a walk on a sunny day on a historical site, talking about that generic first-date crap (your dogs, favorite bands, hated high school teachers, how Frodo is a pussy, and why Decepticons are horribly misjudged) then if I was to be wined and dined for a first date. Walking is free. Chatting is free. It's a fail-safe idea that is free, leaves you off the hook, and will more than likely wow the shit out of her. Guys, go for it.
And for the ladies: seriously, if he's taking you out somewhere, appreciate it. Give him credit for trying. We've all had bad dates, but even they have a purpose: you talk about them to your girlfriends over chocolate and giggle about them, and you should also tell your guy friends so that they know ahead of time what not to do. See? We're bettering society!
XOXO,
~M
1. The American Pie 2 Rule of Three
2. The Three Days to Call Rule
3. The Three Dates to Fuck Rule
Are any of these well-warranted? Do they work or is it all a societal sham?
We can already exclude the first rule because that's just absolutely ridiculous. Why lie about how many partners one has had? Be honest about it and save everyone time and stress. And really, if a girl says she's slept with only three guys, she probably has not slept with 9. In fact, the most recent estimate is that the average male will have 9 partners in his lifetime and the average female will have 6 in her lifetime. And if you suspect any discrepancy, the person is probably not someone you should be fucking on a regular basis. Unless of course you are paying them but in that instance you were asking for it.
But what about Rule 2? Gentlemen, why are you waiting three days to call? Seriously, why? Do you really think women are sitting around pining for that pivotal call from you? It doesn't happen, especially now when the exchange of numbers is through a text message. See? Ah-HA there is contact! But that doesn't count; I get it. S had explained it to me in this fashion: by waiting three days, you are positioning yourself to have the upper hand. You don't want to seem too clingy if it was a girl you were actually interested in, and if it wasn't a girl you were interested in you can easily discard the number, making her hopefully spiral out of control until she contacts you, in which case you still have won. I have a rebuttal: what if Girl Who Holds Interest meets a guy within those three days she was expecting your call? You've probably lost. Where does that leave the guy? Of course, it's very simple to seal the deal these days so it doesn't even matter how many phone numbers one accumulates. I'm just saying that perhaps we should discard this rule, make it a guideline that no one follows, and say if you like the girl, just effing tell her. Seriously, life is way too damn short.
Finally, Rule 3. Three dates and then sex is in the future? What the hell happened to six-month long courtships? Birth control, I know my history. But still, three dates. Is it supposed to be in conjunction with the "bases"? On the first date, do you tongue each other, second fondle breasts, third participate in below-waist-activity so that by date 4, it's a home run?
And what exactly are we constituting as a date? When I was younger, dinner and a movie was a pretty standard date. Boring, yes, but tried and true. Hanging out with friends when you are still just friends isn't a date, at least in my book. Fun, certainly, especially if the parties involved can sense sexual tension between the two people in question.
Here's how I think this should go: instead of playing strictly with numbers, let's make this a game of relativity. Guys, say the girl in question is someone you know is a hopeless romantic. A picnic on a pretty spring day would bank a lot higher than, say, paintballing for seven hours (this is an example; I myself would much rather run about in a mask getting shot at. The adrenaline rush is way too intense to pass up). It's easy, rather safe, and shows you are willing to probably put up with her bullshit (hey, I'm being honest). Additionally, it's super-romantic, which will win bigger points. With that in mind, she'll probably give it up sooner. A tailor-made date that indicates you've been paying attention to something other than her boobs will get you to get her to bed faster.
And if you're a guy who likes the conventions because they are safe, good for you. You're at least passing, which is commendable. It might take you longer than three tries to get there, but persistence is key. And if, God forbid, you're a guy who thinks going to a sports bar to watch baseball with your friends and dragging her with you is a good first date, you're sadly mistaken. That's something to do after you've made her scream with your tongue because after that, she'll probably do anything to have that again.
To any who wish to criticize: these are first date ideas only that I have shot down. First impressions do matter, ok? Set your standards relatively high from the beginning and give yourself room to fall and grow. Picnics are pretty cheap, as are coffee houses, most hookah bars, etc. Hell, I personally would be much more flattered by going on a walk on a sunny day on a historical site, talking about that generic first-date crap (your dogs, favorite bands, hated high school teachers, how Frodo is a pussy, and why Decepticons are horribly misjudged) then if I was to be wined and dined for a first date. Walking is free. Chatting is free. It's a fail-safe idea that is free, leaves you off the hook, and will more than likely wow the shit out of her. Guys, go for it.
And for the ladies: seriously, if he's taking you out somewhere, appreciate it. Give him credit for trying. We've all had bad dates, but even they have a purpose: you talk about them to your girlfriends over chocolate and giggle about them, and you should also tell your guy friends so that they know ahead of time what not to do. See? We're bettering society!
XOXO,
~M
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sloppy Seconds, Indeed
OK, it's been a while certainly. I'll just jump right in with today's observation: Ex Sex.
The question is this: is it better than in-a-relationship sex?
Now I've been in both situations with one particular individual and I have to say it is rather difficult to pinpoint the preferred sack style. The guy, we'll call him S, is himself rather skilled, particularly in the art of cunnilingus. We were considered formally dating for five months and at the conclusion of that time resorted to the mysterious realm of "fuck buddy," which is really a double whammy of modern concepts: ex sex and fuck buddy all at the same time.
And let's face it: who can really resist it? Doesn't it sound good on paper? Sex lacking in emotion seems pretty outstanding.
At first, I found it to be no different than when we were in a relationship. It was difficult at first to not want to cuddle and kiss and be a little couply afterwards, even though it was understood that there was to be as little to no emotion involved whatsoever. After a while, it became simple: fuck explosively to just get the tension out of our systems, shower, politely kiss, and depart. In this manner, at least I was able to slowly dip back into being single while still having a rather quick and easy back up plan. Perhaps that's not playing by the rules. Actually it in fact is completely breaking every rule imaginable but still very fun.
We both knew the entire thing was unhealthy and that we needed to stay away from each other, particularly in that regard. The sexual chemistry between us was far too powerful and easily accessible. If I am not mistaken, we tried at least five times to quit but really it's like your favorite drink: while many are fun and interesting, your tried and true hasn't done you wrong, except when taken in excess.
Regardless, as of this moment I cannot determine which is better. On the one hand, when you're in a relationship, the sex sort of means something. It certainly has more emotional ties, which is sort of nice. Making the act itself special seems rather contrived at this point, which leaves a pretty wretched taste in my mouth. Not every night can be prom night, so who the hell cares? Why pretend and try to make it special? That's at least the ex sex argument: it's no-strings-attached, it's fun, it's familiar, it's with someone you can now make demands from and they feel obligated, and that is also nice. It's more liberating.
Anyway, I think I've burned this subject out. I'll think I'll go over my Super Six Rules in the near future.
~M
The question is this: is it better than in-a-relationship sex?
Now I've been in both situations with one particular individual and I have to say it is rather difficult to pinpoint the preferred sack style. The guy, we'll call him S, is himself rather skilled, particularly in the art of cunnilingus. We were considered formally dating for five months and at the conclusion of that time resorted to the mysterious realm of "fuck buddy," which is really a double whammy of modern concepts: ex sex and fuck buddy all at the same time.
And let's face it: who can really resist it? Doesn't it sound good on paper? Sex lacking in emotion seems pretty outstanding.
At first, I found it to be no different than when we were in a relationship. It was difficult at first to not want to cuddle and kiss and be a little couply afterwards, even though it was understood that there was to be as little to no emotion involved whatsoever. After a while, it became simple: fuck explosively to just get the tension out of our systems, shower, politely kiss, and depart. In this manner, at least I was able to slowly dip back into being single while still having a rather quick and easy back up plan. Perhaps that's not playing by the rules. Actually it in fact is completely breaking every rule imaginable but still very fun.
We both knew the entire thing was unhealthy and that we needed to stay away from each other, particularly in that regard. The sexual chemistry between us was far too powerful and easily accessible. If I am not mistaken, we tried at least five times to quit but really it's like your favorite drink: while many are fun and interesting, your tried and true hasn't done you wrong, except when taken in excess.
Regardless, as of this moment I cannot determine which is better. On the one hand, when you're in a relationship, the sex sort of means something. It certainly has more emotional ties, which is sort of nice. Making the act itself special seems rather contrived at this point, which leaves a pretty wretched taste in my mouth. Not every night can be prom night, so who the hell cares? Why pretend and try to make it special? That's at least the ex sex argument: it's no-strings-attached, it's fun, it's familiar, it's with someone you can now make demands from and they feel obligated, and that is also nice. It's more liberating.
Anyway, I think I've burned this subject out. I'll think I'll go over my Super Six Rules in the near future.
~M
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