Alright, there is a phenomenon that simply has got to stop. It's one that I used to be guilty of, so there's no need to call me out on my hypocrisy. Anyway, the idea occurred to me as I was flipping through the August Cosmo. There is an article in there titled: "The Five Smartest Tips We've Heard This Year". They recommend for established couples to try what they call "dirty flirting." Apparently, the writers recommend for couples well past the honeymoon stage of their relationship to continue to broadcast their love to the world. It's supposed to be this great ego boost and it "makes people jealous of your chemistry."
OK. As a somewhat shameful yet avid reader of Cosmo, I have to say I was incensed with this wording, and really the whole concept. If you're in a relationship and you want to show off how in love you and your partner are, fine. I'll try and swallow your rather disgusting PDA and get on with my life. If you're going to show it off with the ulterior motive to make singles like myself jealous, just stop.
Yeah, it works a little. I don't have a seemingly fantastic relationship, and while not actively seeking one, I'll admit it'd be nice to have that again. You don't need to remind me, though. Here's what is acceptable: holding hands, arm around at a social event (not in class, unless you're in the very back and really want to get the hell out of their so you can go fuck. Oh I'm sorry, make love), and a hello/goodbye peck. That is it. If the two of you are at a party, let go of each other and be social with your friends. I mean, damn.
THAT'S another thing: you're at a social gathering together as a couple. As this isn't a date, you are free to roam about the room and talk to your friends that you probably haven't seen in a while because you've been attached to each other for quite some time. Take advantage of that freedom! Chances are, you're going home together. Plus, we as your friends miss you. That's the rough part of at least the honeymoon stage of a relationship: it rocks for just you two. The rest of the world doesn't get to see you for at least two months. Couple hibernation is a bitch. Oxycotin is flooding the brain with emotions associated with attachment. That's fine and it's a good feeling. But then again, it is during this couple hibernation when he starts to not hide his farts and she forgoes shaving her legs. I think about those little details and smile. There is such a thing as being too comfortable with each other.
And I know Valentine's Day, birthdays, Christmas, and *erlack* anniversaries are important, at least to the girl, in a relationship. There's no way I can ask for that to stop. It won't and I'm not going to fight it. So fine, I'll be happy for you when your man buys you that perfume that secretly makes you smell like a Miley Cyrus wannabe or when she did this amazing new trick while blowing you the other night. But really, let's just keep that information sparse.
And yes, I was a grave sinner in this regard. I'll be very upfront about it: I would make any single woman gag in how cutesy and lovable I'd be in public. God, it was awful. If I were to watch my life in my past relationships now, I'd vomit more that I did after last year's rush party. It was bad and horrendous and even now makes my skin crawl at the memories. And should I get back into a serious relationship, I'll spare the world the sick, lovey-dovey shit.
Honestly, it's great that people are so in love with each other that they can't help but share at least that one glance or hand squeeze. It's a private, deeply intimate moment that, if caught, I actually go "Awwww" on the inside. But for the sanity of the rest of us, don't make it prime time news. Please. It's really really not that hard.
~M
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