The Various Rules of Three

For a few days now, I have been pondering the Rules of Three. We've all heard of them:

1. The American Pie 2 Rule of Three
2. The Three Days to Call Rule
3. The Three Dates to Fuck Rule

Are any of these well-warranted? Do they work or is it all a societal sham?

We can already exclude the first rule because that's just absolutely ridiculous. Why lie about how many partners one has had? Be honest about it and save everyone time and stress. And really, if a girl says she's slept with only three guys, she probably has not slept with 9. In fact, the most recent estimate is that the average male will have 9 partners in his lifetime and the average female will have 6 in her lifetime. And if you suspect any discrepancy, the person is probably not someone you should be fucking on a regular basis. Unless of course you are paying them but in that instance you were asking for it.

But what about Rule 2? Gentlemen, why are you waiting three days to call? Seriously, why? Do you really think women are sitting around pining for that pivotal call from you? It doesn't happen, especially now when the exchange of numbers is through a text message. See? Ah-HA there is contact! But that doesn't count; I get it. S had explained it to me in this fashion: by waiting three days, you are positioning yourself to have the upper hand. You don't want to seem too clingy if it was a girl you were actually interested in, and if it wasn't a girl you were interested in you can easily discard the number, making her hopefully spiral out of control until she contacts you, in which case you still have won. I have a rebuttal: what if Girl Who Holds Interest meets a guy within those three days she was expecting your call? You've probably lost. Where does that leave the guy? Of course, it's very simple to seal the deal these days so it doesn't even matter how many phone numbers one accumulates. I'm just saying that perhaps we should discard this rule, make it a guideline that no one follows, and say if you like the girl, just effing tell her. Seriously, life is way too damn short.

Finally, Rule 3. Three dates and then sex is in the future? What the hell happened to six-month long courtships? Birth control, I know my history. But still, three dates. Is it supposed to be in conjunction with the "bases"? On the first date, do you tongue each other, second fondle breasts, third participate in below-waist-activity so that by date 4, it's a home run?

And what exactly are we constituting as a date? When I was younger, dinner and a movie was a pretty standard date. Boring, yes, but tried and true. Hanging out with friends when you are still just friends isn't a date, at least in my book. Fun, certainly, especially if the parties involved can sense sexual tension between the two people in question.

Here's how I think this should go: instead of playing strictly with numbers, let's make this a game of relativity. Guys, say the girl in question is someone you know is a hopeless romantic. A picnic on a pretty spring day would bank a lot higher than, say, paintballing for seven hours (this is an example; I myself would much rather run about in a mask getting shot at. The adrenaline rush is way too intense to pass up). It's easy, rather safe, and shows you are willing to probably put up with her bullshit (hey, I'm being honest). Additionally, it's super-romantic, which will win bigger points. With that in mind, she'll probably give it up sooner. A tailor-made date that indicates you've been paying attention to something other than her boobs will get you to get her to bed faster.

And if you're a guy who likes the conventions because they are safe, good for you. You're at least passing, which is commendable. It might take you longer than three tries to get there, but persistence is key. And if, God forbid, you're a guy who thinks going to a sports bar to watch baseball with your friends and dragging her with you is a good first date, you're sadly mistaken. That's something to do after you've made her scream with your tongue because after that, she'll probably do anything to have that again.

To any who wish to criticize: these are first date ideas only that I have shot down. First impressions do matter, ok? Set your standards relatively high from the beginning and give yourself room to fall and grow. Picnics are pretty cheap, as are coffee houses, most hookah bars, etc. Hell, I personally would be much more flattered by going on a walk on a sunny day on a historical site, talking about that generic first-date crap (your dogs, favorite bands, hated high school teachers, how Frodo is a pussy, and why Decepticons are horribly misjudged) then if I was to be wined and dined for a first date. Walking is free. Chatting is free. It's a fail-safe idea that is free, leaves you off the hook, and will more than likely wow the shit out of her. Guys, go for it.

And for the ladies: seriously, if he's taking you out somewhere, appreciate it. Give him credit for trying. We've all had bad dates, but even they have a purpose: you talk about them to your girlfriends over chocolate and giggle about them, and you should also tell your guy friends so that they know ahead of time what not to do. See? We're bettering society!

XOXO,
~M