So I just got back from the 5:30 PM Christmas Eve Mass (Catholic family still goes faithfully to church) and I have since dubbed this particular service The Brat Mass. Why do I say this? Every person who normally doesn't attend Mass on a regular basis, myself included, crowds into a relatively small church, barely taking note of this thing called Personal Space, and attempts to look somber and serene while everyone's small children shriek and whine. Bare in mind that most of these children have not seen a church and are probably hopped up on sugar thanks to the Christmas cookies they've been shoving in their snot-nosed faces.
Yes, I do not like children and possess the nurturing skills of a burying beetle (they eat their young. Read about it: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/05/photogalleries/mothers-day-worst-animal-moms-pictures/#/carrion-beetle_4335_600x450.jpg).
I just don't understand these happy couples who insist on reproducing and having these little brats and then moon all over them because "Billy has his mother's eyes and his father's chin," or some other tripe. You sacrifice everything for this spitty, snotty, sticky flesh-hound (seriously, touch a toddler. I don't know what they are covered in, but it is always sticky and vile) who is loud, obnoxious, abrasive, and throws things. Honestly, one might as well own a pet monkey.
Why have kids when you can have Manolo Blahniks? All of your dreams and goals go out the window when there's a child added to your responsibility. Just saying.
XOXO
~M
PS - Babies...just suck. In general. That is all.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Lucky Enough
Every woman, including myself, is lucky in her own special way. That is probably the corniest thing I have ever written but regardless, I'm going to go with it.
Since December hit us all, and the wind made me momentarily forget I have a face, I've been spending quite some time mulling over what all I have had in the past that I find to be shining moments of beauty. Every woman in the 21st century should consider herself lucky if:
XOXO
~M
Since December hit us all, and the wind made me momentarily forget I have a face, I've been spending quite some time mulling over what all I have had in the past that I find to be shining moments of beauty. Every woman in the 21st century should consider herself lucky if:
- She has had roses delivered to her door. My specific incident occurred on Christmas Eve, the day after I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I remember reading The Other Boleyn Girl and sipping on an orange sherbet smoothie when they arrived. A dozen white roses, some red carnations, and the ever present baby's breath, accompanied with a card from the man who purchased them. He was of few words but still, the gesture was sweet, if overwhelming. Or maybe that was the Vicodin...we'll never know.
- She has ever been kissed on the forehead. I don't know, there's something so damn sweet about this small gesture. It's small but always speaks volumes and it makes a woman swoon.
- She's ever been asked to simply listen. We are guarded individuals and if anyone, friend, lover, relative, asks you to just sit and listen to them, you have been given a special honor. They trust you enough to hear their fears, their desires, and to really see underneath the wall.
- She's ever laughed with her friends, male or female, until she cried. No one looks good laughing, especially the kind of laughter that when you're done, you feel like you've had an incredible workout. After someone sees you in that state and still calls you their friend, you've got a winner.
- She's ever had French nonsense (say, "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away"?) whispered in her ear. Hand it to the French for having the sexiest language EVER.
- She hears the words, "I love you," not after something sweet and romantic but silly and ridiculous. Call me a sentimentalist, but I'd much rather hear those words after falling off a trampoline or something. That's real, not a candlelit dinner or something equally cliched.
XOXO
~M
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
'Tis the Season
To get just a little ridiculous. With the chilly weather, the snow, and the darkness coming at 5 PM, there can only mean one thing: Christmas is coming. That means that couples everywhere are snuggling up to each other, packing on a slight pudge of hibernation weight because who are they out to impress? More importantly, they are more than likely stressing as to what to get their significant other.
There's a fool-proof way to do this, ladies and gentlemen. Be blunt about what you want.
Us girls have a pretty bad habit of trying to make men have some sense of divine intuition and magically know what we want for Christmas. News flash: they don't have a clue. If you don't tell him, he'll go to the nearest Bath and Body Works and get the Estrogen Hat Trick: lotion, spray, and a candle all in the same signature scent placed strategically in a basket wrapped up and tied in a bow. Nice? Yes. Tacky and thoughtless? Only if you weren't straight with him.
Don't ever say you want jewelry because that is simply pretentious and rude, no matter how true it is. The only women who get jewelry at Christmas are the ones that are either on the verge of getting married or already are and their husband has a pretty steady income to afford a diamond pendant.
Gauge where you are in the relationship first. Less than a year, get each other something thoughtful but not break-your-bank expensive. If the man had a small childhood passion for Legos, buy him a new set; he'll be entertained for hours. If the lady in question has a love of classic literature, buy her a copy of War and Peace; she will be too busy navigating Tolstoy's masterpiece to notice that it's January and you still haven't packed away the Christmas crap. Thoughtful, meaningful, inexpensive is the way to go and yes, it is a fine line. Too extravagant and it turns the gift into an uncomfortable awareness of how much less you spent. Too plain, dull, or cheap-looking and you're reminded of how little time they spent on it.
I say, the sillier the better. Personally, if a paramour wanted to make me the happiest person alive during the Christmas season, we'd spend the morning sipping mimosas, then he'd take me to a karaoke bar and we'd do a duet to "The Dirty Glass," exchange warm gifts of whatever (in my case, a really good, really long book), and call it a day.
We've blown this holiday so out of proportion but I'm going to refrain from preaching about how this holiday is about appreciating what you have and all. It's true, though. If the man you're with can tolerate the seven pounds you are statistically likely to gain over the holidays, count your blessings because he'll be a keeper for life.
XOXO
~M
There's a fool-proof way to do this, ladies and gentlemen. Be blunt about what you want.
Us girls have a pretty bad habit of trying to make men have some sense of divine intuition and magically know what we want for Christmas. News flash: they don't have a clue. If you don't tell him, he'll go to the nearest Bath and Body Works and get the Estrogen Hat Trick: lotion, spray, and a candle all in the same signature scent placed strategically in a basket wrapped up and tied in a bow. Nice? Yes. Tacky and thoughtless? Only if you weren't straight with him.
Don't ever say you want jewelry because that is simply pretentious and rude, no matter how true it is. The only women who get jewelry at Christmas are the ones that are either on the verge of getting married or already are and their husband has a pretty steady income to afford a diamond pendant.
Gauge where you are in the relationship first. Less than a year, get each other something thoughtful but not break-your-bank expensive. If the man had a small childhood passion for Legos, buy him a new set; he'll be entertained for hours. If the lady in question has a love of classic literature, buy her a copy of War and Peace; she will be too busy navigating Tolstoy's masterpiece to notice that it's January and you still haven't packed away the Christmas crap. Thoughtful, meaningful, inexpensive is the way to go and yes, it is a fine line. Too extravagant and it turns the gift into an uncomfortable awareness of how much less you spent. Too plain, dull, or cheap-looking and you're reminded of how little time they spent on it.
I say, the sillier the better. Personally, if a paramour wanted to make me the happiest person alive during the Christmas season, we'd spend the morning sipping mimosas, then he'd take me to a karaoke bar and we'd do a duet to "The Dirty Glass," exchange warm gifts of whatever (in my case, a really good, really long book), and call it a day.
We've blown this holiday so out of proportion but I'm going to refrain from preaching about how this holiday is about appreciating what you have and all. It's true, though. If the man you're with can tolerate the seven pounds you are statistically likely to gain over the holidays, count your blessings because he'll be a keeper for life.
XOXO
~M
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Further Relationship Commentary
Cosmopolitan proves to be, time and time again, a goldmine of information concerning how to have the best relationship ever. I have decided to comment on their article, "The 13 Best Relationship Tips Ever." I have provided the article in full and everything in bold and in brackets from here on out is my commentary.
1. Act Out of Character
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time.
—Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
["Doesn't follow through on some chore." How about not being his mother and telling him to do chores? If he has chosen to live in a not-so-spotless habitat, deal with it. You're dating him, aren't you? And if you can't handle the degree of filth in his kitchen or his bathroom, clean it yourself. Then show him what spray bottles are, explain the difference between Windex and Pledge, wait it out another month and if he doesn't do it again, consider hiring a Mexican maid.]
2. Get in Touch a Lot
No doubt you hug and kiss each other hello and maybe snuggle a little after having sex. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV, taking his hand when you're walking down the street, or fondling his thigh during dinner are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level.
—Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of Emotional Fitness for Couples
[If anyone were to try and hold my hand while I was driving, we might die. Perhaps that's because I drive stick shift but still. I mean, I guess this is reasonable but in certain circumstances, I do not want to be anywhere near anyone.]
3. Don't Be BFFs
Being pals with your man is great in theory. But that kind of connection actually can kill your sex life. You could wind up having a roommatelike bond with each other rather than a hot one if you let yourself lose track of the masculine-feminine tension that excited you at the beginning of your relationship. Save the gab sessions for when you hang out with your girlfriends and your sexy energy for connecting with your guy.
—Lana Holstein, MD, director of sexuality and vitality programs for couples at Miraval Resort in Catalina, Arizona
[I agree wholeheartedly. Minimal discussion. Almost zero talking. Good plan.]
4. Enjoy a Steady Diet of Sex
If you want to maintain closeness with your man, get out of your head and into bed. Guys feel more comfortable connecting with women on a physical level, not engaging in deep discussions. To strengthen your bond, approach your lust life as you would your gym regimen or your diet — make it part of your routine. Set a goal to have sex at least a couple times a week.
—Toni Coleman
[Make sex part of your routine. OK, I do yoga every day, so I should have sex every day when I'm in a relationship. People have to set goals to bang? Really? I was always under the impression that if the physical chemistry is initially there, clothes-ripping was something that was desired on a nearly constant basis. The moment someone has to pencil in sex is the moment where the sexuality has killed itself. Don't plan on it. Just do it *swoosh*]
5. Take Turns Talking
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement — and get your points across — alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks.
—Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Opening Love's Door
[Unless of course either party has that relentlessly annoying habit of not saying anything. Then this shit doesn't work at all. Walking out and not speaking for days on end works better.]
6. Find the Intersection
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun...how about Miami?
—Paul Dobransky, MD, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love
[If any guy is sipping a drink with an umbrella in the glass, he's my new gay best friend. Yes, that's stereotypical but any man knows that he is going to be hard core judged with that comical nonsense going on in the glass.]
7. Be More Positive Than Negative
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time."
—Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
[Or leave when he's late? Don't wait around; life's way too damn short.]
8. Echo Each Other
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood.
—Yvonne Thomas
[Perhaps it's because I have really good comprehension but I feel if I am parroted, I'd get way more annoyed than I originally was. "Serious relationship talks" scare me just as much as they scare men. The only serious talk anyone should have starts with, "I'm late."]
9. Grow Your Tolerance
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room.
—Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
[If he's shy around your friends or acquaintances, be a good person and introduce. Duh.]
10. Take a Time-Out
It's important that you get a break from the daily grind and spend alone time as a couple — cell phones and the Internet are off-limits. It can be a fun day trip or just a few quiet hours to yourselves. The point is simply to steal away (even if you're going nowhere) so you can reconnect, free of any distractions.
—Diana Kirschner
[You have the nights, why do you need the days? There was a time where I wanted to spend so much time with my boyfriend that I practically lost my personal identity. Now, I've gotten to the point where more than two hours is enough. Am I scared? Yes, and I'm adult enough to admit to that fact. It's so important to be solitaire, even in a relationship.]
11. Have His Back
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side...and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what.
—New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
[Disagreements add discourse to the relationship. Plain and simple.]
12. Spend a Little Money on Each Other
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun-and meaningful — when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get — and think about — each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color.
—Barton Goldsmith
[A guy doesn't even have to go this far. If he procures a Diet Coke for me, I'm perfectly content. He carried around an emasculating drink for me? So sweet.]
13. Be a Good Date
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook — if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box — dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat.
—Jennifer Oikle
[This requires doing research on both ends. Showing surprise and being unpredictable is always fun.]
OK, it's just me now. No more Cosmo. Most of this is common sense, so why they waste their time and ink is beyond me. And sometimes, they have this annoying habit of telling women to act bubbly, cheerful, and content in their relationships, like we're still stuck in the 50's. Has it ever occurred to them that if you don't like something, you can walk away? Not for every problem, because then the human race would die out. But once the problems accumulate to a point where it's simply intolerable, whether it's trust issues, lack of passion and motivation, not being clean, or whatever, you can just walk away from it and do better things.
Which probably explains why I'm single: I have crazy high expectations. Oh well, I'm happy with them.
~M
1. Act Out of Character
Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time.
—Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
["Doesn't follow through on some chore." How about not being his mother and telling him to do chores? If he has chosen to live in a not-so-spotless habitat, deal with it. You're dating him, aren't you? And if you can't handle the degree of filth in his kitchen or his bathroom, clean it yourself. Then show him what spray bottles are, explain the difference between Windex and Pledge, wait it out another month and if he doesn't do it again, consider hiring a Mexican maid.]
2. Get in Touch a Lot
No doubt you hug and kiss each other hello and maybe snuggle a little after having sex. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV, taking his hand when you're walking down the street, or fondling his thigh during dinner are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level.
—Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of Emotional Fitness for Couples
[If anyone were to try and hold my hand while I was driving, we might die. Perhaps that's because I drive stick shift but still. I mean, I guess this is reasonable but in certain circumstances, I do not want to be anywhere near anyone.]
3. Don't Be BFFs
Being pals with your man is great in theory. But that kind of connection actually can kill your sex life. You could wind up having a roommatelike bond with each other rather than a hot one if you let yourself lose track of the masculine-feminine tension that excited you at the beginning of your relationship. Save the gab sessions for when you hang out with your girlfriends and your sexy energy for connecting with your guy.
—Lana Holstein, MD, director of sexuality and vitality programs for couples at Miraval Resort in Catalina, Arizona
[I agree wholeheartedly. Minimal discussion. Almost zero talking. Good plan.]
4. Enjoy a Steady Diet of Sex
If you want to maintain closeness with your man, get out of your head and into bed. Guys feel more comfortable connecting with women on a physical level, not engaging in deep discussions. To strengthen your bond, approach your lust life as you would your gym regimen or your diet — make it part of your routine. Set a goal to have sex at least a couple times a week.
—Toni Coleman
[Make sex part of your routine. OK, I do yoga every day, so I should have sex every day when I'm in a relationship. People have to set goals to bang? Really? I was always under the impression that if the physical chemistry is initially there, clothes-ripping was something that was desired on a nearly constant basis. The moment someone has to pencil in sex is the moment where the sexuality has killed itself. Don't plan on it. Just do it *swoosh*]
5. Take Turns Talking
To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement — and get your points across — alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks.
—Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Opening Love's Door
[Unless of course either party has that relentlessly annoying habit of not saying anything. Then this shit doesn't work at all. Walking out and not speaking for days on end works better.]
6. Find the Intersection
When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun...how about Miami?
—Paul Dobransky, MD, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love
[If any guy is sipping a drink with an umbrella in the glass, he's my new gay best friend. Yes, that's stereotypical but any man knows that he is going to be hard core judged with that comical nonsense going on in the glass.]
7. Be More Positive Than Negative
There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time."
—Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
[Or leave when he's late? Don't wait around; life's way too damn short.]
8. Echo Each Other
When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood.
—Yvonne Thomas
[Perhaps it's because I have really good comprehension but I feel if I am parroted, I'd get way more annoyed than I originally was. "Serious relationship talks" scare me just as much as they scare men. The only serious talk anyone should have starts with, "I'm late."]
9. Grow Your Tolerance
Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room.
—Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
[If he's shy around your friends or acquaintances, be a good person and introduce. Duh.]
10. Take a Time-Out
It's important that you get a break from the daily grind and spend alone time as a couple — cell phones and the Internet are off-limits. It can be a fun day trip or just a few quiet hours to yourselves. The point is simply to steal away (even if you're going nowhere) so you can reconnect, free of any distractions.
—Diana Kirschner
[You have the nights, why do you need the days? There was a time where I wanted to spend so much time with my boyfriend that I practically lost my personal identity. Now, I've gotten to the point where more than two hours is enough. Am I scared? Yes, and I'm adult enough to admit to that fact. It's so important to be solitaire, even in a relationship.]
11. Have His Back
You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side...and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what.
—New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
[Disagreements add discourse to the relationship. Plain and simple.]
12. Spend a Little Money on Each Other
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun-and meaningful — when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get — and think about — each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color.
—Barton Goldsmith
[A guy doesn't even have to go this far. If he procures a Diet Coke for me, I'm perfectly content. He carried around an emasculating drink for me? So sweet.]
13. Be a Good Date
Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook — if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box — dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat.
—Jennifer Oikle
[This requires doing research on both ends. Showing surprise and being unpredictable is always fun.]
OK, it's just me now. No more Cosmo. Most of this is common sense, so why they waste their time and ink is beyond me. And sometimes, they have this annoying habit of telling women to act bubbly, cheerful, and content in their relationships, like we're still stuck in the 50's. Has it ever occurred to them that if you don't like something, you can walk away? Not for every problem, because then the human race would die out. But once the problems accumulate to a point where it's simply intolerable, whether it's trust issues, lack of passion and motivation, not being clean, or whatever, you can just walk away from it and do better things.
Which probably explains why I'm single: I have crazy high expectations. Oh well, I'm happy with them.
~M
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Random Stupid Survey
You know, because I'm not judging anyone right now haha.
Do you mind explaining things to children? I mean I don't like children at all.
How many times a day do you go to the bathroom? I don't count. That's weird.
Can you neatly write with your opposite hand? Not at all.
Do you prefer chicken, beef, pork, or tofu? Chicken.
What are you doing besides this survey? watching Futurama, talking to people.
Do you have a clock in the room you are sitting in right now? yes
If you were a cow, would you sleep standing up, or lying down? Standing up
If you could go outta town right now where would you be going? Ireland
What is your favorite video game? God of War. Seriously, it's simple, it's bloody, it's violent, it's fantastic!
When did you cry last? approximately two weeks ago, when I got that horrible phone call.
Have you ever played the game MASH? It's only the funnest game ever.
You're gonna get a piercing, where is it? I've got 5. I think I'm good.
How do you feel about your first true love? Oh, high school haha
When you were little, were you totally into Barney? I might have been, but now I'm totally into Barney Stinson.
Do you play games on your cell phone? Nope
Are you an aunt/uncle? Nope!
If you could change one thing about your looks, what would it be? I mean, really?
What kind of magnets are on your fridge? No idea. I don't pay attention.
Who was the last person you had a serious talk with? My little sister
Who do you call when you need comfort? Mom
What movie do you want to see? Jackass 3D
When is the last time you did a puzzle? a week ago
What songs would you put on a cd if you were about to burn one? I have an iPod, in which I make playlists
When did you last go to the gym? At-home yoga
What cable company do you have? NTC
Have you ever played Monopoly, and won? Fuck Monopoly.
How easily do you apologize? I acknowledge mistakes I honestly make but otherwise, no. I will not apologize for certain actions that I take. Deal with it.
Have you taken any medicine lately? Just pain meds
Hottest thing you see right now? My Boondock Saints poster
Does everything happen for a reason? Certainly
What is your favorite online game? ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK
Favorite TV channel? online
Last place you got a hair cut? some place in the mall
Last person you made a bet with? Two really close friends. I might lose this one lol.
Stayed in a hotel lately? in Maryland
What is something you are scared to do? talk to this one person
Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Mom
Do you have four generations still living in the family? no
Best rib place you've eaten at? this one place in Texas
What is one of your family traditions? watching LOTR over Christmas
Is there anything you always do before you go to bed? read
What goes best with soda? more diet dr pepper
How many lights are on in your house? too many
Wanna get anything off your chest? fuck bitches get money?
What is something you did today? I was given a new nickname that I'm not sure I enjoy but is still very funny.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Judgment Hour, Part I
One of my worst traits, aside from biting my nails and worrying about things way too much, is that I can be incredibly judgmental. I'll admit I've been working on it, sort of. You see, there are certain phenomenons that occur in nature that truly astound me.
The Whipped Man
Ladies, what in the world are we doing? I thought we were supposed to be attracted to manly men. You know, the alpha male, Type A personality, independent kind of guy. Why is it that we as women obsess over these guys and then when we finally have the luxury to become a part of their lives romantically, we somehow manage to bend them over backwards so that they'll do practically whatever we say? Is the promise of sex a factor? I highly doubt that, simply because not all relationships have sex as a factor, therefore making sex an obsolete bargaining chip. So what then causes a man to forgo drinks with his bros for a night of foot massages, candles, Enya, and a crying woman? I guess I'll never know.
Does anyone else find this phenomenon to be truly awful? There's a difference between being romantic and being whipped. A romantic offers to help, offers to pay for dinner, surprises you, etc. A whipped man starts out as a romantic but over time, he is simply thrust into situations he probably, or definitely, doesn't want to be in, simply because he fears the wrath of his girlfriend, who has been overexposed to his romance, with the inevitable consequence being he has to go another night with blue balls.
As a woman, I don't get it, so that's saying something. Every time I see a man walking a teeny tiny dog or holding a purse, I want to puke. We are in the 21st century, girls; we should be able to do this shit ourselves and still have the time to continue to be fabulous. We don't need a man to do these things. At all. There's nothing attractive about a man without a spine. They make easy targets for homewreckers: they're more than likely not happy in the relationship but lack the balls to end it. Ergo, they probably cheat with an exceptionally talented manipulator, and it all spirals out of control. Stop whipping men and take care of your own problems. Yes, the toilet is still a foreign concept for me (I can't fix it because in my world, it simply flushes and nothing bad happens) but there's Google to take care of a simple DIY.
I don't expect a man to be in my life constantly. Sure, he should get to know my friends, simply because I want to get to know his friends so that we can be comfortable with both groups. I have my own life and he has his (hopefully) and both require a lot of attention. I'd like for him to want to be a part of my life and I'd like to be a part of his, but just a part. Not the whole sha-BANG. In some cases, I have shared a lot of common interests and activities with former paramours, so it seemed as though we were together all the time. Nowadays, I'm pretty sure I'd want to go at glacial speed in allowing someone else to enter my life because he's got to be worth it and all that shit.
But I digress.
Moral of the story: being whipped is bad. Get out while you still can. Whipping men (figuratively and only if you're into that) is just off-putting. Very off-putting.
~M
The Whipped Man
Ladies, what in the world are we doing? I thought we were supposed to be attracted to manly men. You know, the alpha male, Type A personality, independent kind of guy. Why is it that we as women obsess over these guys and then when we finally have the luxury to become a part of their lives romantically, we somehow manage to bend them over backwards so that they'll do practically whatever we say? Is the promise of sex a factor? I highly doubt that, simply because not all relationships have sex as a factor, therefore making sex an obsolete bargaining chip. So what then causes a man to forgo drinks with his bros for a night of foot massages, candles, Enya, and a crying woman? I guess I'll never know.
Does anyone else find this phenomenon to be truly awful? There's a difference between being romantic and being whipped. A romantic offers to help, offers to pay for dinner, surprises you, etc. A whipped man starts out as a romantic but over time, he is simply thrust into situations he probably, or definitely, doesn't want to be in, simply because he fears the wrath of his girlfriend, who has been overexposed to his romance, with the inevitable consequence being he has to go another night with blue balls.
As a woman, I don't get it, so that's saying something. Every time I see a man walking a teeny tiny dog or holding a purse, I want to puke. We are in the 21st century, girls; we should be able to do this shit ourselves and still have the time to continue to be fabulous. We don't need a man to do these things. At all. There's nothing attractive about a man without a spine. They make easy targets for homewreckers: they're more than likely not happy in the relationship but lack the balls to end it. Ergo, they probably cheat with an exceptionally talented manipulator, and it all spirals out of control. Stop whipping men and take care of your own problems. Yes, the toilet is still a foreign concept for me (I can't fix it because in my world, it simply flushes and nothing bad happens) but there's Google to take care of a simple DIY.
I don't expect a man to be in my life constantly. Sure, he should get to know my friends, simply because I want to get to know his friends so that we can be comfortable with both groups. I have my own life and he has his (hopefully) and both require a lot of attention. I'd like for him to want to be a part of my life and I'd like to be a part of his, but just a part. Not the whole sha-BANG. In some cases, I have shared a lot of common interests and activities with former paramours, so it seemed as though we were together all the time. Nowadays, I'm pretty sure I'd want to go at glacial speed in allowing someone else to enter my life because he's got to be worth it and all that shit.
But I digress.
Moral of the story: being whipped is bad. Get out while you still can. Whipping men (figuratively and only if you're into that) is just off-putting. Very off-putting.
~M
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Random List Time
Twenty-five's a good number. We'll go with that. Random facts, goals, habits, worldly bits of wisdom, and in general nonsensical whims from this kid.
1. To begin, I've learned the perks of being single. Check it: I can go where I want, do what I want, watch Sex and the City and read Cosmopolitan whenever I want, have my room be a complete disaster and not care, not have to argue that the performance by Nicholas Cage in the movie The Rock is any better than any of the other shit he's produced (seriously, the movie should have been Sean Connery being his badass self, no one else needs to help), sing 80's music in my car as loud as I want, and of course eat peanut butter M&M's without being judged.
2. I may say "If you want something, go get it" but lately there's been one thing that I cannot seem to just bite the bullet and go chase. I think about it and people tell me to just go for it but I get really nervous and freeze up.
3. No matter where I go, I want to be near a place that has a giant trampoline.
4. The more fantastical a horror story is, the stupider it is. In all the things in the world, there is nothing more terrifying than the depths of human evil.
5. Before I die, I would like to take a year off of everything, blow all of my life savings, and see the world. All of it. I'd like to go back-packing in Southeast Asia, ride a boat down the Nile River, train a Mongolian war pony, play around in Venice, and then meet an Irish man who owns stallions and race them.
6. I'm not a kid person. I have little patience and am inherently selfish. I am constantly learning and exploring and I don't want to stop that for anyone, let alone a child. I get incredibly frustrated when things aren't perfect the first time around.
7. I love planes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one else seems to get that. SR-71 is my favorite, followed by the F-18 Blue Angels.
8. I think while there are many ways to live one's life, there are some things that need to remain constant: the Bro/Ho Code, manners, and basic respect for people and their things. FYI: wash dishes when you're done with them.
9. It's pretty sweet to know that no matter how bad your day is going, there is someone out there who is going to make you smile.
10. I have no balance. Seriously. I've fallen down stairs, up stairs, flat on my face, on my ass, and I run into things. Walls, doors, and I definitely body-checked a guy once.
11. The best days are the ones where you wake up and get slightly dressed up just for the hell of it.
12. I cry when I watch LOTR and hear "The Fire of Eternal Glory." Every time.
13. Little known fact: the Cult of Demeter was the basis of today's Greek life. Only women were permitted to participate in the festivities. That's right, world: sororities came first.
14. I want to go to graduate school.
15. There is nothing sexier than a man in either a suit or a uniform. Tying a man's tie is just as sexy as taking it off. Rule of thumb. Also, best suit to wear: black pinstriped.
16. I know that they are full of themselves and know that they're the hottest things ever, but Navy pilots are my kryptonite.
17. I love Hokie football, Olympic swimming, and horse racing. Equestrian sports, in general.
18. A red Corvette will be mine. Even though I want to live in the city.
19. I have recently discovered a love for jazz and am really sad I never played an instrument that is used in jazz.
20. Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the best things ever. The world is cruel and the truly ridiculous are those that find humor in it. It's fun to be silly.
21. The most intimate relationship a person can have is with oneself. The ancient Greeks at Delphi really knew what was up when they coined the phrase "Know thyself."
22. If I were to teach anything, it would be swim lessons on the side, but upper high school to lower college English. I love engineers and math-y types but I swear, reading their writing is a chore.
23. Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture should be required reading for both high school and college students. Read it and find out why.
24. I have actually gotten insulted when someone didn't know the difference between a cami and a tank top. Weirdest quirk EVER.
25. I can always promise one thing to anyone I meet: you will never be bored. I can't say I'll love you, like you, or hate you, but you will never be bored around me. I love to entertain and be entertained.
~M
1. To begin, I've learned the perks of being single. Check it: I can go where I want, do what I want, watch Sex and the City and read Cosmopolitan whenever I want, have my room be a complete disaster and not care, not have to argue that the performance by Nicholas Cage in the movie The Rock is any better than any of the other shit he's produced (seriously, the movie should have been Sean Connery being his badass self, no one else needs to help), sing 80's music in my car as loud as I want, and of course eat peanut butter M&M's without being judged.
2. I may say "If you want something, go get it" but lately there's been one thing that I cannot seem to just bite the bullet and go chase. I think about it and people tell me to just go for it but I get really nervous and freeze up.
3. No matter where I go, I want to be near a place that has a giant trampoline.
4. The more fantastical a horror story is, the stupider it is. In all the things in the world, there is nothing more terrifying than the depths of human evil.
5. Before I die, I would like to take a year off of everything, blow all of my life savings, and see the world. All of it. I'd like to go back-packing in Southeast Asia, ride a boat down the Nile River, train a Mongolian war pony, play around in Venice, and then meet an Irish man who owns stallions and race them.
6. I'm not a kid person. I have little patience and am inherently selfish. I am constantly learning and exploring and I don't want to stop that for anyone, let alone a child. I get incredibly frustrated when things aren't perfect the first time around.
7. I love planes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one else seems to get that. SR-71 is my favorite, followed by the F-18 Blue Angels.
8. I think while there are many ways to live one's life, there are some things that need to remain constant: the Bro/Ho Code, manners, and basic respect for people and their things. FYI: wash dishes when you're done with them.
9. It's pretty sweet to know that no matter how bad your day is going, there is someone out there who is going to make you smile.
10. I have no balance. Seriously. I've fallen down stairs, up stairs, flat on my face, on my ass, and I run into things. Walls, doors, and I definitely body-checked a guy once.
11. The best days are the ones where you wake up and get slightly dressed up just for the hell of it.
12. I cry when I watch LOTR and hear "The Fire of Eternal Glory." Every time.
13. Little known fact: the Cult of Demeter was the basis of today's Greek life. Only women were permitted to participate in the festivities. That's right, world: sororities came first.
14. I want to go to graduate school.
15. There is nothing sexier than a man in either a suit or a uniform. Tying a man's tie is just as sexy as taking it off. Rule of thumb. Also, best suit to wear: black pinstriped.
16. I know that they are full of themselves and know that they're the hottest things ever, but Navy pilots are my kryptonite.
17. I love Hokie football, Olympic swimming, and horse racing. Equestrian sports, in general.
18. A red Corvette will be mine. Even though I want to live in the city.
19. I have recently discovered a love for jazz and am really sad I never played an instrument that is used in jazz.
20. Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the best things ever. The world is cruel and the truly ridiculous are those that find humor in it. It's fun to be silly.
21. The most intimate relationship a person can have is with oneself. The ancient Greeks at Delphi really knew what was up when they coined the phrase "Know thyself."
22. If I were to teach anything, it would be swim lessons on the side, but upper high school to lower college English. I love engineers and math-y types but I swear, reading their writing is a chore.
23. Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture should be required reading for both high school and college students. Read it and find out why.
24. I have actually gotten insulted when someone didn't know the difference between a cami and a tank top. Weirdest quirk EVER.
25. I can always promise one thing to anyone I meet: you will never be bored. I can't say I'll love you, like you, or hate you, but you will never be bored around me. I love to entertain and be entertained.
~M
Saturday, September 25, 2010
A Change of Pace
I had mentioned earlier this month that I am going to hold back on my own personal experimentation. Let me explain: I have recently realized that by defying the double standard and being on the more sexually explicit side, I have done myself a grave disservice. My closest male friends have distanced themselves from me and I have lost all respect from them. That breaks my heart and so, in order to repair this disastrous mess, I have taken it upon myself to correct my behavior.
I will not be nearly as promiscuous as I have been, nor will every party have an ultimate goal that is on the shameful/sinful side. There are other, more important things to talk about aside from sex, like Chaucer or Wilde or Ovid, even though not everyone is interested in them. My jealous, bitchy side won't come out in public, and if it does, it'll be all Southern belle-style, with hilarious back-handed compliments.
With that being said, I am well aware of how titanic this undertaking will be. Combine that with my desire to be patient and wait for the Next Big Thing and I may yet go mad. And then add the fear that this won't be met with reward and it becomes questionable as to whether or not all of this is worth it. What if I spend the next year correcting these mistakes and I find myself still at Stage One: former male best friends still gone and still trapped in a place where I'm ridiculed by my past? Nevermind the very likely chance that I'll still be single, this is really terrifying.
I suppose all things worth doing are challenging and more often than not met with nothing tangible. Isn't that part of growing up? Being mature and responsible for the sake of it and not expecting something at the end. Dammit, though, it'd be a small comfort to know that this will get me what I want, which is not a boyfriend, but respect. That's it. Just respect.
Anyway, I know that this is short and these posts are probably going to stay short for a while because I'll have nothing to report on in my life at least but I'm off.
XOXO,
~M
I will not be nearly as promiscuous as I have been, nor will every party have an ultimate goal that is on the shameful/sinful side. There are other, more important things to talk about aside from sex, like Chaucer or Wilde or Ovid, even though not everyone is interested in them. My jealous, bitchy side won't come out in public, and if it does, it'll be all Southern belle-style, with hilarious back-handed compliments.
With that being said, I am well aware of how titanic this undertaking will be. Combine that with my desire to be patient and wait for the Next Big Thing and I may yet go mad. And then add the fear that this won't be met with reward and it becomes questionable as to whether or not all of this is worth it. What if I spend the next year correcting these mistakes and I find myself still at Stage One: former male best friends still gone and still trapped in a place where I'm ridiculed by my past? Nevermind the very likely chance that I'll still be single, this is really terrifying.
I suppose all things worth doing are challenging and more often than not met with nothing tangible. Isn't that part of growing up? Being mature and responsible for the sake of it and not expecting something at the end. Dammit, though, it'd be a small comfort to know that this will get me what I want, which is not a boyfriend, but respect. That's it. Just respect.
Anyway, I know that this is short and these posts are probably going to stay short for a while because I'll have nothing to report on in my life at least but I'm off.
XOXO,
~M
Clearing Out Old Skeletons
When one spends a vast majority of their time glued to their computer, and when that is combined with the German trait of never getting rid of stuff, one accumulates a lot of "useless crap." Case in point: what I stumbled upon earlier this afternoon.
I was busy looking for an old email address when I located a different email from the bowels of my hard drive: an ancient, or rather year-old, AIM conversation from a certain male person-type-thing. OK, an ex. The exact reason the conversation had been saved was because it had gone on for six hours into the night and neither of us were sure it had really happened (I know, vomit). Anyway, I read it for old times' sake before deleting it from my computer and there were a few things that stood out to me.
The first thing I noticed was how simple it was to speak to him, or really just to speak. Conversation was simple, smooth, and uncomplicated. Words came naturally to me, and it seemed as though I was not afraid whatsoever in what I had to say. I didn't guard myself, nor did I care what he, and subsequently anyone, thought. At one point, he wrote, "You got spirit. I like it." What follows is a rather poetic, somewhat shameful exchange of flirtations. Back and forth, back and forth, like a duel or an elaborate dance. It's a goldmine for anyone needing inspiration to write a trashy romance novel. Nothing was forced, which was what made the whole thing so spellbinding.
It's interesting how time works: spirit, drive, fire all die down eventually, making the individual that was once fiery now lackluster. I guess to some degree that happened to me and perhaps I should go back and reacquaint myself with that old me. Perhaps that girl was on to something. Actually, no she definitely was.
Second thing: circumstance seemed to have a massive role in us even being together at all. It's a touchy subject but in a nutshell, I left someone else for him. The conflict that existed was something ripped out of any of those cheap Avon Romance novels, yet when one lives it, it's crazy enticing and awesome, even with a tragic ending. But, as Dr. Seuss said, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."
And you know, after all the snide comments, the fighting/bickering/truly awful things I may have said and done in the aftermath of previous relationship, and much as I might hate to admit it, I didn't waste my time with him. It happened. Not sure if it happened for a higher reason other than we were super-dooper-mega-ridiculous attracted to each other, but it happened. I'm OK with it. Really, I am. You can't change the past, just try to make the future a little less entropic.
Third: hopeless romantic me. Yet again, I find myself making the realization that I don't hate it when a girl receives flowers from a guy; I'm simply jealous of the fact that they're not mine. Petty, yes, but it's a trait of mine. I say it's gross as a defense mechanism. I know I should be happy for them, and I am, but of course cognitive dissonance takes over and all I can think is, "Oh God, why not me?" It's just sad, really.
Also, I'd like to point out that when I'm in a relationship and the guy gets sick, a bit of a maternal instinct comes out. I make soup for him, tuck him in, and if he wants to, I'll sit and watch his favorite movie with him. Some girlfriend points, haha. But I digress. Where were we?
Fourth: I said that the effort of seduction is fun. Wow. How poignant of me. It certainly is, when one does it right and one is patient. Again, I have to reacquaint myself with that person I once was because I don't remember how to be patient or content with the way things are now, and God knows I need to be.
Fifth: this is actually something he said that I find to be a little gem that I guess we can all stick in our little jewelry boxes of life. "I like girls who look at a relationship as an incredibly strong friendship with intimacy, not something totally different with different rules." I mean, who the hell doesn't want that? I am pretty sure that would be the clearest definition of love. It's just so goddamn difficult to locate it. And when one does locate it, and screws it up, the damage can be irreversible, as seen on countless occasions.
I was busy looking for an old email address when I located a different email from the bowels of my hard drive: an ancient, or rather year-old, AIM conversation from a certain male person-type-thing. OK, an ex. The exact reason the conversation had been saved was because it had gone on for six hours into the night and neither of us were sure it had really happened (I know, vomit). Anyway, I read it for old times' sake before deleting it from my computer and there were a few things that stood out to me.
The first thing I noticed was how simple it was to speak to him, or really just to speak. Conversation was simple, smooth, and uncomplicated. Words came naturally to me, and it seemed as though I was not afraid whatsoever in what I had to say. I didn't guard myself, nor did I care what he, and subsequently anyone, thought. At one point, he wrote, "You got spirit. I like it." What follows is a rather poetic, somewhat shameful exchange of flirtations. Back and forth, back and forth, like a duel or an elaborate dance. It's a goldmine for anyone needing inspiration to write a trashy romance novel. Nothing was forced, which was what made the whole thing so spellbinding.
It's interesting how time works: spirit, drive, fire all die down eventually, making the individual that was once fiery now lackluster. I guess to some degree that happened to me and perhaps I should go back and reacquaint myself with that old me. Perhaps that girl was on to something. Actually, no she definitely was.
Second thing: circumstance seemed to have a massive role in us even being together at all. It's a touchy subject but in a nutshell, I left someone else for him. The conflict that existed was something ripped out of any of those cheap Avon Romance novels, yet when one lives it, it's crazy enticing and awesome, even with a tragic ending. But, as Dr. Seuss said, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."
And you know, after all the snide comments, the fighting/bickering/truly awful things I may have said and done in the aftermath of previous relationship, and much as I might hate to admit it, I didn't waste my time with him. It happened. Not sure if it happened for a higher reason other than we were super-dooper-mega-ridiculous attracted to each other, but it happened. I'm OK with it. Really, I am. You can't change the past, just try to make the future a little less entropic.
Third: hopeless romantic me. Yet again, I find myself making the realization that I don't hate it when a girl receives flowers from a guy; I'm simply jealous of the fact that they're not mine. Petty, yes, but it's a trait of mine. I say it's gross as a defense mechanism. I know I should be happy for them, and I am, but of course cognitive dissonance takes over and all I can think is, "Oh God, why not me?" It's just sad, really.
Also, I'd like to point out that when I'm in a relationship and the guy gets sick, a bit of a maternal instinct comes out. I make soup for him, tuck him in, and if he wants to, I'll sit and watch his favorite movie with him. Some girlfriend points, haha. But I digress. Where were we?
Fourth: I said that the effort of seduction is fun. Wow. How poignant of me. It certainly is, when one does it right and one is patient. Again, I have to reacquaint myself with that person I once was because I don't remember how to be patient or content with the way things are now, and God knows I need to be.
Fifth: this is actually something he said that I find to be a little gem that I guess we can all stick in our little jewelry boxes of life. "I like girls who look at a relationship as an incredibly strong friendship with intimacy, not something totally different with different rules." I mean, who the hell doesn't want that? I am pretty sure that would be the clearest definition of love. It's just so goddamn difficult to locate it. And when one does locate it, and screws it up, the damage can be irreversible, as seen on countless occasions.
So now, after reading this and picking it apart, as I am wont to do, I realized that there is something to be said about the past. A year ago, I was quite pleased with myself. While I can't erase the fact that I've become rather jaded, I can certainly learn to trust in hope for the future. I can sure as hell learn to be patient and content with who I am as a singular being. Besides, I realize that I'm insanely picky and am going to have to be happy alone; apparently, my expectations are just way too high.
And again, much as I hate to do this, I have to thank him for the things he taught me.
~M
And again, much as I hate to do this, I have to thank him for the things he taught me.
~M
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
A Moment of Weakness
OK, so last night I had a brief but very real moment of weakness. I had been driving a friend home and he had mentioned that he was interested in other girls, which is perfectly fine. He absolutely has every right to be interested in other girls, and to be honest I'd much prefer to hear that than to hear him say he was interested in guys now (really, who wants to be the girl that turns a guy gay? That means, among other things, your vag must have been all sorts of bad). And I would be an incredible hypocrite to even entertain the thought of denying him that. Still, I don't know why but it pretty much ate away at me and I did something so incredibly shameful:
I actually cried.
No, not those obnoxious, runny nose tears. Just a single tear, like old Hollywood movies where the starlet still looks gorgeous while really sad. I of course played it off as if I had something in my eye and that I was completely fine. Being who he is, he left it at that and asked no further question. For that, I was extremely grateful. I didn't want to tell him really what's wrong with me at the time, simply because I couldn't exactly put it to words. After careful consideration of how to verbalize it, I've decided to tackle what has been plaguing my mind.
I know now that if I am to ever find myself in a position where getting into a relationship with anyone new is a possibility, I'm going to be the prey. I have gotten so fucking sick and tired of being the one to point and say, "Hey, you're cute. Let's chat." When I tell another friend of mine this, he always says, "Well, I'm sorry but other women have ruined that for guys by completely rejecting them." Thanks a lot, other women. That's nice but I don't care. I certainly can't go around with a sign taped to my chest saying "I won't reject you!" because there is evidence pointing to me doing exactly that. And plus, that's just incredibly tacky and stupid.
So now I'm caught in this crazy dilemma. Up until now, I go after what I want, be it an A on a paper, a scholarship, or even, say, a high school boyfriend (yes, that's an epic story of a ballsy sixteen year old). Now, I'd like to be the hunted and sit patiently and wait, or at least have the skill set to sit patiently and wait. It's taking quite a bit of energy to wait, which is absurd. "Waiting" is the only active verb in the English dictionary where in actuality there is no action. The mind has to do gymnastics when thinking about the action of waiting, and is the subject for one of my favorite plays, "Waiting for Godot." Read it sometime, it's awesome.
So yeah, that's basically what's happening now. Just going to simply wait for him, whoever he is, to come crashing into my life. He'll be a klutz; it's more realistic. In the mean time, I'll continue to write and observe things, and hold back on my own experimentation. More on that later.
~M
I actually cried.
No, not those obnoxious, runny nose tears. Just a single tear, like old Hollywood movies where the starlet still looks gorgeous while really sad. I of course played it off as if I had something in my eye and that I was completely fine. Being who he is, he left it at that and asked no further question. For that, I was extremely grateful. I didn't want to tell him really what's wrong with me at the time, simply because I couldn't exactly put it to words. After careful consideration of how to verbalize it, I've decided to tackle what has been plaguing my mind.
I know now that if I am to ever find myself in a position where getting into a relationship with anyone new is a possibility, I'm going to be the prey. I have gotten so fucking sick and tired of being the one to point and say, "Hey, you're cute. Let's chat." When I tell another friend of mine this, he always says, "Well, I'm sorry but other women have ruined that for guys by completely rejecting them." Thanks a lot, other women. That's nice but I don't care. I certainly can't go around with a sign taped to my chest saying "I won't reject you!" because there is evidence pointing to me doing exactly that. And plus, that's just incredibly tacky and stupid.
So now I'm caught in this crazy dilemma. Up until now, I go after what I want, be it an A on a paper, a scholarship, or even, say, a high school boyfriend (yes, that's an epic story of a ballsy sixteen year old). Now, I'd like to be the hunted and sit patiently and wait, or at least have the skill set to sit patiently and wait. It's taking quite a bit of energy to wait, which is absurd. "Waiting" is the only active verb in the English dictionary where in actuality there is no action. The mind has to do gymnastics when thinking about the action of waiting, and is the subject for one of my favorite plays, "Waiting for Godot." Read it sometime, it's awesome.
So yeah, that's basically what's happening now. Just going to simply wait for him, whoever he is, to come crashing into my life. He'll be a klutz; it's more realistic. In the mean time, I'll continue to write and observe things, and hold back on my own experimentation. More on that later.
~M
Monday, August 30, 2010
A Step Back
As the new school year starts, I felt the need to step back and reorganize my thoughts, specifically in the form of a series of arbitrary lists.
Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People, Who Are Kept Anonymous:
1. Learn to smile more often. You're so beautiful when you smile.
2. I cannot trust you anymore and that breaks my heart.
3. I miss you more than I can describe, which sucks because I'm supposed to be a writer and have the ability to verbalize my emotions.
4. I pretty much depend on you. Don't ever let me me down, please.
5. Goddamn, you annoy me. You don't even know how much you annoy me. Please improve yourself.
6. Don't be scared to ask for anything. Life's too hard to handle it alone.
7. Stop taking things so seriously.
8. Work harder. Things aren't given to you, you give them to yourself.
9. I can't help but continue to be beguiled by your presence and it's rather troublesome.
10. Why are you still here? Seriously, why?
Nine Random Things About Myself:
1. I finally have discovered what I want in life and will do whatever it takes to get it.
2. My temper is quite short and I aim below the belt. Rarely am I sympathetic about it.
3. I want to expose myself to many styles of writing and literature.
4. I want to learn ballroom and swing dancing, jazz trumpet, string bass, how to execute 1-tempi flying changes, have a stable, passionate relationship, and French braid my own hair.
5. I scare really easily. By that, I mean the whole surprise, make-me-jump kind of scare.
6. My family and friends mean the world to me. They can annoy me at times, but I love them completely and will do anything for them.
7. Grammatical errors irritate the hell out of me. Spelling errors not so much.
8. I like jewelry a lot and I am pretty shameless about my love for jewelry. I'm not like Elizabeth Taylor, but when I go to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History and see the jewels, I drool a little bit.
9. I love the rain. And thunderstorms.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. I like surprises. A lot. Even if it's small. Like, "Hey, I knew you would be here and just wanted to kiss your cheek" or something. I know, it's rather shameful that I like the cutesy shit but dammit I miss that.
2. Play with my hair. I've threatened, and greatly desired, to completely shave it off because it's such a nuisance. Apparently, my father and several of my friends would murder me if I did, so I guess I won't. But seriously, appreciate the maintenance I put it through, little though it is, and lightly scratch my scalp. It feels wonderful.
3. Be ready to play with animals. I was raised in a household full of pets and love all animals, save for FUCKING SPIDERS.
4. Also, be ready to kill the spiders on walls. I am terrified of spiders to the point of immobility. It's just sad.
5. Be confident, decisive, diligent, and respectful. Respect the fact that I need space sometimes but also that I like a fair amount of shared time. I love cuddling and just being together, but there are times where I really need to just be alone, sometimes for a long time.
6. Appreciate music, especially the fact that I am a musician myself. You may not play the French horn, but I do and it has been an integral part of my life.
7. A fair amount of classic cultural affluence will go a very long way with me. I love the arts, and I feel that they should be respected. Reading many books is important.
8. Hold me against your heart when I have nightmares. I find it's somehow the safest place.
Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot:
1. I'm quite parched
2. He's cute
3. Oh my fucking God stop talking
4. Slow people need to move out of my way
5. That would be funny to write about
6. My hair's a disaster
7. I'm awesome
Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1. Prep for the next day
2. Wash my face
3. Check email one last time
4. Pee
5. Brush and floss teeth
6. Fluff pillows
Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me, In No Particular Order:
1. Mom
2. My little sister
3. Dad
4. Grandpa
5. Five friends who know who they are
Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now:
1. Peace-sign bra
2. Matching boy shorts
3. White cami
4. Pajama Pants
Three Songs I Listen To Often:
1. Anything by: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Queen, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, etc.
2. Spa music to relax
3. Boccherini's String Quintet in E Major Op. 13/5 - Minuet in A Major
Two Things I Want to Accomplish Before I Die:
1. Publish a bestselling novel
2. Live in New York City and be totally awesome and fabulous
One Confession:
1. I never thought a person would come along in my life that forever change my perception of the human experience, melodramatic though that sounds. That person has come along and I cannot forget them, even though the healthy and smart thing to do would be to cut them out of my life. I'm too stubborn to so, which is illogical and frustrating.
Well, that seemed to help a little bit.
XOXO,
~M
Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People, Who Are Kept Anonymous:
1. Learn to smile more often. You're so beautiful when you smile.
2. I cannot trust you anymore and that breaks my heart.
3. I miss you more than I can describe, which sucks because I'm supposed to be a writer and have the ability to verbalize my emotions.
4. I pretty much depend on you. Don't ever let me me down, please.
5. Goddamn, you annoy me. You don't even know how much you annoy me. Please improve yourself.
6. Don't be scared to ask for anything. Life's too hard to handle it alone.
7. Stop taking things so seriously.
8. Work harder. Things aren't given to you, you give them to yourself.
9. I can't help but continue to be beguiled by your presence and it's rather troublesome.
10. Why are you still here? Seriously, why?
Nine Random Things About Myself:
1. I finally have discovered what I want in life and will do whatever it takes to get it.
2. My temper is quite short and I aim below the belt. Rarely am I sympathetic about it.
3. I want to expose myself to many styles of writing and literature.
4. I want to learn ballroom and swing dancing, jazz trumpet, string bass, how to execute 1-tempi flying changes, have a stable, passionate relationship, and French braid my own hair.
5. I scare really easily. By that, I mean the whole surprise, make-me-jump kind of scare.
6. My family and friends mean the world to me. They can annoy me at times, but I love them completely and will do anything for them.
7. Grammatical errors irritate the hell out of me. Spelling errors not so much.
8. I like jewelry a lot and I am pretty shameless about my love for jewelry. I'm not like Elizabeth Taylor, but when I go to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History and see the jewels, I drool a little bit.
9. I love the rain. And thunderstorms.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. I like surprises. A lot. Even if it's small. Like, "Hey, I knew you would be here and just wanted to kiss your cheek" or something. I know, it's rather shameful that I like the cutesy shit but dammit I miss that.
2. Play with my hair. I've threatened, and greatly desired, to completely shave it off because it's such a nuisance. Apparently, my father and several of my friends would murder me if I did, so I guess I won't. But seriously, appreciate the maintenance I put it through, little though it is, and lightly scratch my scalp. It feels wonderful.
3. Be ready to play with animals. I was raised in a household full of pets and love all animals, save for FUCKING SPIDERS.
4. Also, be ready to kill the spiders on walls. I am terrified of spiders to the point of immobility. It's just sad.
5. Be confident, decisive, diligent, and respectful. Respect the fact that I need space sometimes but also that I like a fair amount of shared time. I love cuddling and just being together, but there are times where I really need to just be alone, sometimes for a long time.
6. Appreciate music, especially the fact that I am a musician myself. You may not play the French horn, but I do and it has been an integral part of my life.
7. A fair amount of classic cultural affluence will go a very long way with me. I love the arts, and I feel that they should be respected. Reading many books is important.
8. Hold me against your heart when I have nightmares. I find it's somehow the safest place.
Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot:
1. I'm quite parched
2. He's cute
3. Oh my fucking God stop talking
4. Slow people need to move out of my way
5. That would be funny to write about
6. My hair's a disaster
7. I'm awesome
Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1. Prep for the next day
2. Wash my face
3. Check email one last time
4. Pee
5. Brush and floss teeth
6. Fluff pillows
Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me, In No Particular Order:
1. Mom
2. My little sister
3. Dad
4. Grandpa
5. Five friends who know who they are
Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now:
1. Peace-sign bra
2. Matching boy shorts
3. White cami
4. Pajama Pants
Three Songs I Listen To Often:
1. Anything by: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Queen, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, etc.
2. Spa music to relax
3. Boccherini's String Quintet in E Major Op. 13/5 - Minuet in A Major
Two Things I Want to Accomplish Before I Die:
1. Publish a bestselling novel
2. Live in New York City and be totally awesome and fabulous
One Confession:
1. I never thought a person would come along in my life that forever change my perception of the human experience, melodramatic though that sounds. That person has come along and I cannot forget them, even though the healthy and smart thing to do would be to cut them out of my life. I'm too stubborn to so, which is illogical and frustrating.
Well, that seemed to help a little bit.
XOXO,
~M
Friday, August 13, 2010
Suspicions Part Two
So I stopped speaking to Mr. Clingy over two weeks ago, thinking my silence would pretty much give him the signal to Back The Fuck Off. Guess who should decide to tell me that he wants to "make [me] scream and beg for more"? I mean, really. I ignore the guy for more than 14 days and this is how he decides to try and rekindle any feelings I might have had for him (there was none to begin with)? A "Hello! How are you?" would have been far more welcome. I probably wouldn't have appreciated it but at least it would have only slightly irritated me and not completely disgust me. And I seriously do not want to be a complete bitch and tell him "Seriously, leave me alone. I don't want to even entertain the thought of dating you, let alone be seen in public with you." Even though, yes it's cold, that's how I feel.
He's not bad, he's just overbearing. Actually, no he's bad. Like I said, wouldn't even consider him. Overbearing, interrogative, overtly clingy (hence the name), and of course not easy on the eyes can make any guy undatable. Or undateable. Either way it's coming up as not a word in the English language and while grammatical errors make me cry on the inside, I'll just move on.
Anyway, I think this leaves something to be said about this generation. Now, I know that we as Millenials constantly hear our parents and grandparents grumble about the destruction of society these days, saying that the cell phones cause cancer and that little girls are becoming "Prostitots", but their message about the death of manners has some merit.
Case in point: before the invention of the text message, a man had to work a bit to make a woman comfortable enough before he just simply ask "Wanna fuck?" Not to say that the text message was the cause of the end to propriety, but it certainly seems a lot less harmless to text and send the words rather than to utter the words yourself. And while that's all well and good, there's still a question of timing. Actually, it's really not a question: a safe bet is to not propose bedroom activities immediately via text. Calling, maybe. At a party or over drinks, it's an even safer bet. But over a text message? Really, how lazy have we become?
Honestly, the only time it's really appropriate to "sext" someone is if you've already crossed into the carnal world and want to give off that whole I-need-you-right-now-but-I-can't-because-I'm-at-work-or-in-a-meeting thing, which can sometimes be very hot; note that I say "sometimes". And while I can grow to loathe the pithy dialogue one has to go through before hopping into bed, it's still necessary. I mean, you should try to at least know the person's name (so you say the right one during orgasm, fake or otherwise. Priorities, you know). It certainly come across as boorish and in fact creepy to just sext out of the blue.
So please, let's all agree to postpone the sext for awhile. At the very least, wait until you've met the person. It only alleviates the trashiness just slightly.
XOXO
~M
He's not bad, he's just overbearing. Actually, no he's bad. Like I said, wouldn't even consider him. Overbearing, interrogative, overtly clingy (hence the name), and of course not easy on the eyes can make any guy undatable. Or undateable. Either way it's coming up as not a word in the English language and while grammatical errors make me cry on the inside, I'll just move on.
Anyway, I think this leaves something to be said about this generation. Now, I know that we as Millenials constantly hear our parents and grandparents grumble about the destruction of society these days, saying that the cell phones cause cancer and that little girls are becoming "Prostitots", but their message about the death of manners has some merit.
Case in point: before the invention of the text message, a man had to work a bit to make a woman comfortable enough before he just simply ask "Wanna fuck?" Not to say that the text message was the cause of the end to propriety, but it certainly seems a lot less harmless to text and send the words rather than to utter the words yourself. And while that's all well and good, there's still a question of timing. Actually, it's really not a question: a safe bet is to not propose bedroom activities immediately via text. Calling, maybe. At a party or over drinks, it's an even safer bet. But over a text message? Really, how lazy have we become?
Honestly, the only time it's really appropriate to "sext" someone is if you've already crossed into the carnal world and want to give off that whole I-need-you-right-now-but-I-can't-because-I'm-at-work-or-in-a-meeting thing, which can sometimes be very hot; note that I say "sometimes". And while I can grow to loathe the pithy dialogue one has to go through before hopping into bed, it's still necessary. I mean, you should try to at least know the person's name (so you say the right one during orgasm, fake or otherwise. Priorities, you know). It certainly come across as boorish and in fact creepy to just sext out of the blue.
So please, let's all agree to postpone the sext for awhile. At the very least, wait until you've met the person. It only alleviates the trashiness just slightly.
XOXO
~M
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Suspicions
So recently I've been chatting with this guy I met and he seemed to be really nice. Gentleman qualities, mostly. But things took a turn to the worst when he started asking me really personal questions. Like, will you ever cheat on me? How many kids do you want? Do you want to get married in the near future (yeah, near. As in next year)? How many people have you slept with? Can I count on you to wipe my ass when I fuck up?
That last one was fake but still. You get the idea.
Where in the world do people think they can ask these things before they actually do anything? We're not friends, we're just getting to know each other and it's like he wants a complete background check. Seriously, a sense of decency and decorum is, at least I thought it was, a requirement. What the hell happened to romance and manners? Hell, I have expected him to ask my weight at that point. But really, it's absolutely ridiculous.
He hasn't made any impact on me except to annoy the ever-living shit out of me so I haven't even thought of a good pseudonym for him, except Mr. Clingy so I'm going with that. All I know is that he bombards me with texts and IMs, asking me where I am or why I haven't talked to him in this exact hour. Last I checked, women were supposed to be the clingy ones, not men. Why is this guy asking me all these things right off the bat? What right does he have? None. Take a girl out for Taco Bell at the very least before asking her dating history. I mean, really.
And who wants to know that history anyway? Why ask? Let's be honest: we all compare our current lovers to our past ones. They all had good and bad qualities: how long you stayed with them is a testament to see which bad qualities you can put up with the longest. And if you yourself compare Mr./Mrs. Right Now to Mr./Mrs. Back Then, chances are they're doing the same thing. You just have to hope that if you stick around with Right Now long enough, they'll eventually forget Back Then. If not forget, then at least hope their memory is dulled a bit.
Honestly, the only history you need ever to know is: have you ever been convicted of a felony? Or if they have the herpes, AIDS, etc. That's it. You don't need to know that Girl in Freshman Year was the best kisser ever. You don't need to know that she learned that particular trick from an ex rather than a magazine like she told you. What matters is the present. They're with you now. Enjoy it while it lasts before something inevitably screws it up.
Anyway, since this post I have ceased speaking with Mr. Clingy. Yes, it's great that he wants a girlfriend. That's fine. Just don't expect her to reveal everything right at the very beginning. Or ever. Some secrets are meant to stay that way. Couples who share everything...well more power to them. Seriously wish they'd reveal that little secret because the concept of over-sharing will always baffle me.
~M
That last one was fake but still. You get the idea.
Where in the world do people think they can ask these things before they actually do anything? We're not friends, we're just getting to know each other and it's like he wants a complete background check. Seriously, a sense of decency and decorum is, at least I thought it was, a requirement. What the hell happened to romance and manners? Hell, I have expected him to ask my weight at that point. But really, it's absolutely ridiculous.
He hasn't made any impact on me except to annoy the ever-living shit out of me so I haven't even thought of a good pseudonym for him, except Mr. Clingy so I'm going with that. All I know is that he bombards me with texts and IMs, asking me where I am or why I haven't talked to him in this exact hour. Last I checked, women were supposed to be the clingy ones, not men. Why is this guy asking me all these things right off the bat? What right does he have? None. Take a girl out for Taco Bell at the very least before asking her dating history. I mean, really.
And who wants to know that history anyway? Why ask? Let's be honest: we all compare our current lovers to our past ones. They all had good and bad qualities: how long you stayed with them is a testament to see which bad qualities you can put up with the longest. And if you yourself compare Mr./Mrs. Right Now to Mr./Mrs. Back Then, chances are they're doing the same thing. You just have to hope that if you stick around with Right Now long enough, they'll eventually forget Back Then. If not forget, then at least hope their memory is dulled a bit.
Honestly, the only history you need ever to know is: have you ever been convicted of a felony? Or if they have the herpes, AIDS, etc. That's it. You don't need to know that Girl in Freshman Year was the best kisser ever. You don't need to know that she learned that particular trick from an ex rather than a magazine like she told you. What matters is the present. They're with you now. Enjoy it while it lasts before something inevitably screws it up.
Anyway, since this post I have ceased speaking with Mr. Clingy. Yes, it's great that he wants a girlfriend. That's fine. Just don't expect her to reveal everything right at the very beginning. Or ever. Some secrets are meant to stay that way. Couples who share everything...well more power to them. Seriously wish they'd reveal that little secret because the concept of over-sharing will always baffle me.
~M
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A friend reminded me about The Super Six. These are the six rules I have when it comes to my own dating experience.
1. I will never drop the L bomb first, even when I'm sure I'm in love.
2. I will never date a man shorter than me when I'm wearing flats. I just can't be attracted to that.
3. If he treats his mother/sisters like shit, don't even bother.
4. I don't tolerate bullshit on his end. I try to not dish it, I won't receive it. When you say you'll call in three days, you better call because chances are I'm on to someone else.
5. I'm awesome and worth your best. So bring your best. The moment I put more into a relationship than I receive, it is over.
6. If you Dutch Oven me, you're investing in an engagement ring. Tomorrow.
I'll start backwards. Number 6. Um, under no circumstances is this acceptable. Like really. I've never heard of someone actually enjoying this. Dutch oven, not engagement. I've heard that's a great thing. The jury's still out but hey. Anyway, yes if you are comfortable enough to have that thought pop into your brain, I worry. It's just never a good idea.
Numbers 4 and 5 pretty much go hand in hand. I'd like to consider myself to be a chill person who is happy to lounge around and do nothing. However, there are certain things that require punctuality and cooperation. And yes, I get easily frustrated if those needs aren't met. I'm only human and I understand that there are times of conflict. I'm just saying that if it's a constant battle for a guy's attention, I just can't handle it. Guys, think about it: the video games aren't going to blow you, but a girlfriend more than likely will. We have separate times, things to do and enjoy, and that's wonderful. If you invite me over, I just sort of expect to not be staring over your shoulder listening to the oh-so-wonderful sounds of BioShock 2. At least offer to let me play.
Number 3 is a lesson that all women I believe should follow. If he treats the women that have been there the longest like utter crap, run away. Chances are he'll eventually do the same to you. Most guys love and respect their mothers and try to protect their sisters. It's genetic to do so. So it's against nature for them to do otherwise.
Number 2 is shallow but I won't apologize for that. I just happen to want a tall guy so that I won't feel like a behemoth when I wear heels next to him. I know it's the 21st century and we're supposed to be this new progressive society and look past our physical features. There's something so wonderful about looking up and gazing into a man's eyes. It's so girly and silly of me to say that but it's the truth.
Number 1. I have broken that rule once. Now I know what it must be like for a guy to just say it. It's such a huge risk and frankly, I can go back to being a coward. It's not something I want to do again.
~M
1. I will never drop the L bomb first, even when I'm sure I'm in love.
2. I will never date a man shorter than me when I'm wearing flats. I just can't be attracted to that.
3. If he treats his mother/sisters like shit, don't even bother.
4. I don't tolerate bullshit on his end. I try to not dish it, I won't receive it. When you say you'll call in three days, you better call because chances are I'm on to someone else.
5. I'm awesome and worth your best. So bring your best. The moment I put more into a relationship than I receive, it is over.
6. If you Dutch Oven me, you're investing in an engagement ring. Tomorrow.
I'll start backwards. Number 6. Um, under no circumstances is this acceptable. Like really. I've never heard of someone actually enjoying this. Dutch oven, not engagement. I've heard that's a great thing. The jury's still out but hey. Anyway, yes if you are comfortable enough to have that thought pop into your brain, I worry. It's just never a good idea.
Numbers 4 and 5 pretty much go hand in hand. I'd like to consider myself to be a chill person who is happy to lounge around and do nothing. However, there are certain things that require punctuality and cooperation. And yes, I get easily frustrated if those needs aren't met. I'm only human and I understand that there are times of conflict. I'm just saying that if it's a constant battle for a guy's attention, I just can't handle it. Guys, think about it: the video games aren't going to blow you, but a girlfriend more than likely will. We have separate times, things to do and enjoy, and that's wonderful. If you invite me over, I just sort of expect to not be staring over your shoulder listening to the oh-so-wonderful sounds of BioShock 2. At least offer to let me play.
Number 3 is a lesson that all women I believe should follow. If he treats the women that have been there the longest like utter crap, run away. Chances are he'll eventually do the same to you. Most guys love and respect their mothers and try to protect their sisters. It's genetic to do so. So it's against nature for them to do otherwise.
Number 2 is shallow but I won't apologize for that. I just happen to want a tall guy so that I won't feel like a behemoth when I wear heels next to him. I know it's the 21st century and we're supposed to be this new progressive society and look past our physical features. There's something so wonderful about looking up and gazing into a man's eyes. It's so girly and silly of me to say that but it's the truth.
Number 1. I have broken that rule once. Now I know what it must be like for a guy to just say it. It's such a huge risk and frankly, I can go back to being a coward. It's not something I want to do again.
~M
Good Lovin'
Alright, there is a phenomenon that simply has got to stop. It's one that I used to be guilty of, so there's no need to call me out on my hypocrisy. Anyway, the idea occurred to me as I was flipping through the August Cosmo. There is an article in there titled: "The Five Smartest Tips We've Heard This Year". They recommend for established couples to try what they call "dirty flirting." Apparently, the writers recommend for couples well past the honeymoon stage of their relationship to continue to broadcast their love to the world. It's supposed to be this great ego boost and it "makes people jealous of your chemistry."
OK. As a somewhat shameful yet avid reader of Cosmo, I have to say I was incensed with this wording, and really the whole concept. If you're in a relationship and you want to show off how in love you and your partner are, fine. I'll try and swallow your rather disgusting PDA and get on with my life. If you're going to show it off with the ulterior motive to make singles like myself jealous, just stop.
Yeah, it works a little. I don't have a seemingly fantastic relationship, and while not actively seeking one, I'll admit it'd be nice to have that again. You don't need to remind me, though. Here's what is acceptable: holding hands, arm around at a social event (not in class, unless you're in the very back and really want to get the hell out of their so you can go fuck. Oh I'm sorry, make love), and a hello/goodbye peck. That is it. If the two of you are at a party, let go of each other and be social with your friends. I mean, damn.
THAT'S another thing: you're at a social gathering together as a couple. As this isn't a date, you are free to roam about the room and talk to your friends that you probably haven't seen in a while because you've been attached to each other for quite some time. Take advantage of that freedom! Chances are, you're going home together. Plus, we as your friends miss you. That's the rough part of at least the honeymoon stage of a relationship: it rocks for just you two. The rest of the world doesn't get to see you for at least two months. Couple hibernation is a bitch. Oxycotin is flooding the brain with emotions associated with attachment. That's fine and it's a good feeling. But then again, it is during this couple hibernation when he starts to not hide his farts and she forgoes shaving her legs. I think about those little details and smile. There is such a thing as being too comfortable with each other.
And I know Valentine's Day, birthdays, Christmas, and *erlack* anniversaries are important, at least to the girl, in a relationship. There's no way I can ask for that to stop. It won't and I'm not going to fight it. So fine, I'll be happy for you when your man buys you that perfume that secretly makes you smell like a Miley Cyrus wannabe or when she did this amazing new trick while blowing you the other night. But really, let's just keep that information sparse.
And yes, I was a grave sinner in this regard. I'll be very upfront about it: I would make any single woman gag in how cutesy and lovable I'd be in public. God, it was awful. If I were to watch my life in my past relationships now, I'd vomit more that I did after last year's rush party. It was bad and horrendous and even now makes my skin crawl at the memories. And should I get back into a serious relationship, I'll spare the world the sick, lovey-dovey shit.
Honestly, it's great that people are so in love with each other that they can't help but share at least that one glance or hand squeeze. It's a private, deeply intimate moment that, if caught, I actually go "Awwww" on the inside. But for the sanity of the rest of us, don't make it prime time news. Please. It's really really not that hard.
~M
OK. As a somewhat shameful yet avid reader of Cosmo, I have to say I was incensed with this wording, and really the whole concept. If you're in a relationship and you want to show off how in love you and your partner are, fine. I'll try and swallow your rather disgusting PDA and get on with my life. If you're going to show it off with the ulterior motive to make singles like myself jealous, just stop.
Yeah, it works a little. I don't have a seemingly fantastic relationship, and while not actively seeking one, I'll admit it'd be nice to have that again. You don't need to remind me, though. Here's what is acceptable: holding hands, arm around at a social event (not in class, unless you're in the very back and really want to get the hell out of their so you can go fuck. Oh I'm sorry, make love), and a hello/goodbye peck. That is it. If the two of you are at a party, let go of each other and be social with your friends. I mean, damn.
THAT'S another thing: you're at a social gathering together as a couple. As this isn't a date, you are free to roam about the room and talk to your friends that you probably haven't seen in a while because you've been attached to each other for quite some time. Take advantage of that freedom! Chances are, you're going home together. Plus, we as your friends miss you. That's the rough part of at least the honeymoon stage of a relationship: it rocks for just you two. The rest of the world doesn't get to see you for at least two months. Couple hibernation is a bitch. Oxycotin is flooding the brain with emotions associated with attachment. That's fine and it's a good feeling. But then again, it is during this couple hibernation when he starts to not hide his farts and she forgoes shaving her legs. I think about those little details and smile. There is such a thing as being too comfortable with each other.
And I know Valentine's Day, birthdays, Christmas, and *erlack* anniversaries are important, at least to the girl, in a relationship. There's no way I can ask for that to stop. It won't and I'm not going to fight it. So fine, I'll be happy for you when your man buys you that perfume that secretly makes you smell like a Miley Cyrus wannabe or when she did this amazing new trick while blowing you the other night. But really, let's just keep that information sparse.
And yes, I was a grave sinner in this regard. I'll be very upfront about it: I would make any single woman gag in how cutesy and lovable I'd be in public. God, it was awful. If I were to watch my life in my past relationships now, I'd vomit more that I did after last year's rush party. It was bad and horrendous and even now makes my skin crawl at the memories. And should I get back into a serious relationship, I'll spare the world the sick, lovey-dovey shit.
Honestly, it's great that people are so in love with each other that they can't help but share at least that one glance or hand squeeze. It's a private, deeply intimate moment that, if caught, I actually go "Awwww" on the inside. But for the sanity of the rest of us, don't make it prime time news. Please. It's really really not that hard.
~M
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Various Rules of Three
For a few days now, I have been pondering the Rules of Three. We've all heard of them:
1. The American Pie 2 Rule of Three
2. The Three Days to Call Rule
3. The Three Dates to Fuck Rule
Are any of these well-warranted? Do they work or is it all a societal sham?
We can already exclude the first rule because that's just absolutely ridiculous. Why lie about how many partners one has had? Be honest about it and save everyone time and stress. And really, if a girl says she's slept with only three guys, she probably has not slept with 9. In fact, the most recent estimate is that the average male will have 9 partners in his lifetime and the average female will have 6 in her lifetime. And if you suspect any discrepancy, the person is probably not someone you should be fucking on a regular basis. Unless of course you are paying them but in that instance you were asking for it.
But what about Rule 2? Gentlemen, why are you waiting three days to call? Seriously, why? Do you really think women are sitting around pining for that pivotal call from you? It doesn't happen, especially now when the exchange of numbers is through a text message. See? Ah-HA there is contact! But that doesn't count; I get it. S had explained it to me in this fashion: by waiting three days, you are positioning yourself to have the upper hand. You don't want to seem too clingy if it was a girl you were actually interested in, and if it wasn't a girl you were interested in you can easily discard the number, making her hopefully spiral out of control until she contacts you, in which case you still have won. I have a rebuttal: what if Girl Who Holds Interest meets a guy within those three days she was expecting your call? You've probably lost. Where does that leave the guy? Of course, it's very simple to seal the deal these days so it doesn't even matter how many phone numbers one accumulates. I'm just saying that perhaps we should discard this rule, make it a guideline that no one follows, and say if you like the girl, just effing tell her. Seriously, life is way too damn short.
Finally, Rule 3. Three dates and then sex is in the future? What the hell happened to six-month long courtships? Birth control, I know my history. But still, three dates. Is it supposed to be in conjunction with the "bases"? On the first date, do you tongue each other, second fondle breasts, third participate in below-waist-activity so that by date 4, it's a home run?
And what exactly are we constituting as a date? When I was younger, dinner and a movie was a pretty standard date. Boring, yes, but tried and true. Hanging out with friends when you are still just friends isn't a date, at least in my book. Fun, certainly, especially if the parties involved can sense sexual tension between the two people in question.
Here's how I think this should go: instead of playing strictly with numbers, let's make this a game of relativity. Guys, say the girl in question is someone you know is a hopeless romantic. A picnic on a pretty spring day would bank a lot higher than, say, paintballing for seven hours (this is an example; I myself would much rather run about in a mask getting shot at. The adrenaline rush is way too intense to pass up). It's easy, rather safe, and shows you are willing to probably put up with her bullshit (hey, I'm being honest). Additionally, it's super-romantic, which will win bigger points. With that in mind, she'll probably give it up sooner. A tailor-made date that indicates you've been paying attention to something other than her boobs will get you to get her to bed faster.
And if you're a guy who likes the conventions because they are safe, good for you. You're at least passing, which is commendable. It might take you longer than three tries to get there, but persistence is key. And if, God forbid, you're a guy who thinks going to a sports bar to watch baseball with your friends and dragging her with you is a good first date, you're sadly mistaken. That's something to do after you've made her scream with your tongue because after that, she'll probably do anything to have that again.
To any who wish to criticize: these are first date ideas only that I have shot down. First impressions do matter, ok? Set your standards relatively high from the beginning and give yourself room to fall and grow. Picnics are pretty cheap, as are coffee houses, most hookah bars, etc. Hell, I personally would be much more flattered by going on a walk on a sunny day on a historical site, talking about that generic first-date crap (your dogs, favorite bands, hated high school teachers, how Frodo is a pussy, and why Decepticons are horribly misjudged) then if I was to be wined and dined for a first date. Walking is free. Chatting is free. It's a fail-safe idea that is free, leaves you off the hook, and will more than likely wow the shit out of her. Guys, go for it.
And for the ladies: seriously, if he's taking you out somewhere, appreciate it. Give him credit for trying. We've all had bad dates, but even they have a purpose: you talk about them to your girlfriends over chocolate and giggle about them, and you should also tell your guy friends so that they know ahead of time what not to do. See? We're bettering society!
XOXO,
~M
1. The American Pie 2 Rule of Three
2. The Three Days to Call Rule
3. The Three Dates to Fuck Rule
Are any of these well-warranted? Do they work or is it all a societal sham?
We can already exclude the first rule because that's just absolutely ridiculous. Why lie about how many partners one has had? Be honest about it and save everyone time and stress. And really, if a girl says she's slept with only three guys, she probably has not slept with 9. In fact, the most recent estimate is that the average male will have 9 partners in his lifetime and the average female will have 6 in her lifetime. And if you suspect any discrepancy, the person is probably not someone you should be fucking on a regular basis. Unless of course you are paying them but in that instance you were asking for it.
But what about Rule 2? Gentlemen, why are you waiting three days to call? Seriously, why? Do you really think women are sitting around pining for that pivotal call from you? It doesn't happen, especially now when the exchange of numbers is through a text message. See? Ah-HA there is contact! But that doesn't count; I get it. S had explained it to me in this fashion: by waiting three days, you are positioning yourself to have the upper hand. You don't want to seem too clingy if it was a girl you were actually interested in, and if it wasn't a girl you were interested in you can easily discard the number, making her hopefully spiral out of control until she contacts you, in which case you still have won. I have a rebuttal: what if Girl Who Holds Interest meets a guy within those three days she was expecting your call? You've probably lost. Where does that leave the guy? Of course, it's very simple to seal the deal these days so it doesn't even matter how many phone numbers one accumulates. I'm just saying that perhaps we should discard this rule, make it a guideline that no one follows, and say if you like the girl, just effing tell her. Seriously, life is way too damn short.
Finally, Rule 3. Three dates and then sex is in the future? What the hell happened to six-month long courtships? Birth control, I know my history. But still, three dates. Is it supposed to be in conjunction with the "bases"? On the first date, do you tongue each other, second fondle breasts, third participate in below-waist-activity so that by date 4, it's a home run?
And what exactly are we constituting as a date? When I was younger, dinner and a movie was a pretty standard date. Boring, yes, but tried and true. Hanging out with friends when you are still just friends isn't a date, at least in my book. Fun, certainly, especially if the parties involved can sense sexual tension between the two people in question.
Here's how I think this should go: instead of playing strictly with numbers, let's make this a game of relativity. Guys, say the girl in question is someone you know is a hopeless romantic. A picnic on a pretty spring day would bank a lot higher than, say, paintballing for seven hours (this is an example; I myself would much rather run about in a mask getting shot at. The adrenaline rush is way too intense to pass up). It's easy, rather safe, and shows you are willing to probably put up with her bullshit (hey, I'm being honest). Additionally, it's super-romantic, which will win bigger points. With that in mind, she'll probably give it up sooner. A tailor-made date that indicates you've been paying attention to something other than her boobs will get you to get her to bed faster.
And if you're a guy who likes the conventions because they are safe, good for you. You're at least passing, which is commendable. It might take you longer than three tries to get there, but persistence is key. And if, God forbid, you're a guy who thinks going to a sports bar to watch baseball with your friends and dragging her with you is a good first date, you're sadly mistaken. That's something to do after you've made her scream with your tongue because after that, she'll probably do anything to have that again.
To any who wish to criticize: these are first date ideas only that I have shot down. First impressions do matter, ok? Set your standards relatively high from the beginning and give yourself room to fall and grow. Picnics are pretty cheap, as are coffee houses, most hookah bars, etc. Hell, I personally would be much more flattered by going on a walk on a sunny day on a historical site, talking about that generic first-date crap (your dogs, favorite bands, hated high school teachers, how Frodo is a pussy, and why Decepticons are horribly misjudged) then if I was to be wined and dined for a first date. Walking is free. Chatting is free. It's a fail-safe idea that is free, leaves you off the hook, and will more than likely wow the shit out of her. Guys, go for it.
And for the ladies: seriously, if he's taking you out somewhere, appreciate it. Give him credit for trying. We've all had bad dates, but even they have a purpose: you talk about them to your girlfriends over chocolate and giggle about them, and you should also tell your guy friends so that they know ahead of time what not to do. See? We're bettering society!
XOXO,
~M
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sloppy Seconds, Indeed
OK, it's been a while certainly. I'll just jump right in with today's observation: Ex Sex.
The question is this: is it better than in-a-relationship sex?
Now I've been in both situations with one particular individual and I have to say it is rather difficult to pinpoint the preferred sack style. The guy, we'll call him S, is himself rather skilled, particularly in the art of cunnilingus. We were considered formally dating for five months and at the conclusion of that time resorted to the mysterious realm of "fuck buddy," which is really a double whammy of modern concepts: ex sex and fuck buddy all at the same time.
And let's face it: who can really resist it? Doesn't it sound good on paper? Sex lacking in emotion seems pretty outstanding.
At first, I found it to be no different than when we were in a relationship. It was difficult at first to not want to cuddle and kiss and be a little couply afterwards, even though it was understood that there was to be as little to no emotion involved whatsoever. After a while, it became simple: fuck explosively to just get the tension out of our systems, shower, politely kiss, and depart. In this manner, at least I was able to slowly dip back into being single while still having a rather quick and easy back up plan. Perhaps that's not playing by the rules. Actually it in fact is completely breaking every rule imaginable but still very fun.
We both knew the entire thing was unhealthy and that we needed to stay away from each other, particularly in that regard. The sexual chemistry between us was far too powerful and easily accessible. If I am not mistaken, we tried at least five times to quit but really it's like your favorite drink: while many are fun and interesting, your tried and true hasn't done you wrong, except when taken in excess.
Regardless, as of this moment I cannot determine which is better. On the one hand, when you're in a relationship, the sex sort of means something. It certainly has more emotional ties, which is sort of nice. Making the act itself special seems rather contrived at this point, which leaves a pretty wretched taste in my mouth. Not every night can be prom night, so who the hell cares? Why pretend and try to make it special? That's at least the ex sex argument: it's no-strings-attached, it's fun, it's familiar, it's with someone you can now make demands from and they feel obligated, and that is also nice. It's more liberating.
Anyway, I think I've burned this subject out. I'll think I'll go over my Super Six Rules in the near future.
~M
The question is this: is it better than in-a-relationship sex?
Now I've been in both situations with one particular individual and I have to say it is rather difficult to pinpoint the preferred sack style. The guy, we'll call him S, is himself rather skilled, particularly in the art of cunnilingus. We were considered formally dating for five months and at the conclusion of that time resorted to the mysterious realm of "fuck buddy," which is really a double whammy of modern concepts: ex sex and fuck buddy all at the same time.
And let's face it: who can really resist it? Doesn't it sound good on paper? Sex lacking in emotion seems pretty outstanding.
At first, I found it to be no different than when we were in a relationship. It was difficult at first to not want to cuddle and kiss and be a little couply afterwards, even though it was understood that there was to be as little to no emotion involved whatsoever. After a while, it became simple: fuck explosively to just get the tension out of our systems, shower, politely kiss, and depart. In this manner, at least I was able to slowly dip back into being single while still having a rather quick and easy back up plan. Perhaps that's not playing by the rules. Actually it in fact is completely breaking every rule imaginable but still very fun.
We both knew the entire thing was unhealthy and that we needed to stay away from each other, particularly in that regard. The sexual chemistry between us was far too powerful and easily accessible. If I am not mistaken, we tried at least five times to quit but really it's like your favorite drink: while many are fun and interesting, your tried and true hasn't done you wrong, except when taken in excess.
Regardless, as of this moment I cannot determine which is better. On the one hand, when you're in a relationship, the sex sort of means something. It certainly has more emotional ties, which is sort of nice. Making the act itself special seems rather contrived at this point, which leaves a pretty wretched taste in my mouth. Not every night can be prom night, so who the hell cares? Why pretend and try to make it special? That's at least the ex sex argument: it's no-strings-attached, it's fun, it's familiar, it's with someone you can now make demands from and they feel obligated, and that is also nice. It's more liberating.
Anyway, I think I've burned this subject out. I'll think I'll go over my Super Six Rules in the near future.
~M
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Blogging Virginity
Blogging virginity seems to be a really contrived and stupid term for a first post. It really does. However, I cannot escape the complete and utter fascination our Western culture has with anything remotely sexual; in actuality, my intent is to exploit that fascination with my own observations of "the sins of the flesh."
Translation: I'm a woman who likes sex. Kinda a lot.
The first problem I have encountered has been that I was raised in a Roman Catholic household. A very Roman Catholic household, I must say. I was taught that sex was a gift from God, not evil. It is evil when the gift of human sexuality is perverted in such a way that God doesn't see fit: masturbation, homosexuality, fornication, and adultery, to name a few. I was taught to remain a virgin until I was safely married. But that, I have to say, is a pretty ridiculous notion. There are so many reasons why that is a bad idea but I just say this in response: You test drive the car before you buy it.
Anyway, that's basically my soap box for the day about sex. There's probably going to be a significant amount of it in this blog: tips, strategies, embarrassing stories, questions, discussions, etc. Not all of my stories are about sex but certainly developing relationships, which I admit I have a significant problem in maintaining serious relationships with guys. Actually, as of this moment I loathe the very idea of a serious relationship. I cannot handle the drama, jealousy, emotional baggage, crazy exes, etc.
So yeah, um there's that. Currently, there's a summer fling and he's fantastic. The best part about the whole arrangement is that he's leaving at the end of July so I won't have to worry about seeing him again. More on that later.
XOXO
~M
Translation: I'm a woman who likes sex. Kinda a lot.
The first problem I have encountered has been that I was raised in a Roman Catholic household. A very Roman Catholic household, I must say. I was taught that sex was a gift from God, not evil. It is evil when the gift of human sexuality is perverted in such a way that God doesn't see fit: masturbation, homosexuality, fornication, and adultery, to name a few. I was taught to remain a virgin until I was safely married. But that, I have to say, is a pretty ridiculous notion. There are so many reasons why that is a bad idea but I just say this in response: You test drive the car before you buy it.
Anyway, that's basically my soap box for the day about sex. There's probably going to be a significant amount of it in this blog: tips, strategies, embarrassing stories, questions, discussions, etc. Not all of my stories are about sex but certainly developing relationships, which I admit I have a significant problem in maintaining serious relationships with guys. Actually, as of this moment I loathe the very idea of a serious relationship. I cannot handle the drama, jealousy, emotional baggage, crazy exes, etc.
So yeah, um there's that. Currently, there's a summer fling and he's fantastic. The best part about the whole arrangement is that he's leaving at the end of July so I won't have to worry about seeing him again. More on that later.
XOXO
~M
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